Coming up for air

It's been almost a year since my last post...hard to believe.  Our family life has become so busy over the last 12 months that I've barely had time to think about, much less write, a blog.  Let me catch you up to speed...

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years.  Our children are now 14, 11 and 9 years of age.  Our youngest (the girl) started at a very challenging public charter school this year after being one of the few but fortunate students to obtain admission from a blind lottery process. Our two oldest (the boys) started a christian private school this year that is also very challenging.  These new schools have presented our family with a higher level of time commitment for studying and doing homework beyond what we have ever experienced previously.  It's been a big reality check.  Our kids have always been good students, but our oldest has struggled with grammar and writing since he was little.  We've discovered how truly far behind he is this year and have had to really buckle down to help him begin to catch-up with his peers.  We've even hired an English tutor to help.

In addition to his school work, our oldest is also very involved in Boy Scouts and will obtain his Eagle Scout within the next 2 years.  He's also on the middle school basketball team.  He has basketball practice every day after school and 2-3 games weekly.  Our middle child is also very involved in Boy Scouts, is taking weekly trumpet lessons and plays on a community league basketball team.  He has basketball practice 2-3 days a week and has 1 game weekly.  Our youngest is involved in her school choir and drama club and has English horseback riding lessons weekly.

While all of this is going on, my sweet father-in-law continues his fight with Parkinson's disease. A few months ago, he had a bad fall on his driveway at home.  He was walking and began to fall forward, but did not have the ability to stop himself.  He fell face first onto the concrete and fractured several bones in his face.  He also suffered a skull fracture.  After a few weeks of recovery in the hospital, he was discharged home with 24/7 home nursing assistance.  Over time however, we realized that he needed more care than we were able to give him and he is now living within a very nice assisted-living facility.  My mother-in-law spends several hours a day with him there and also takes him out in the car for little excursions almost daily.  My husband, myself and the kids visit him as often as we can.  It has been a tough transition for the whole family.

Over the last 12 months, I've also tried to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a biological child of my own.  I've had two miscarriages.  I'm now 43 years old...soon to be 44.  My husband and I are very conflicted about using donor eggs for lots of reasons, but even if we went that route...it would be extraordinarily expensive.  With everything else going on in our lives,  I'm not sure I want to put that extra burden on my family.  It is what it is.  I just pray that God will give me peace about it.

Being part of a stepfamily is such a gift and a blessing in so many ways.  I love my husband and my wonderful stepkiddos more than I ever thought possible.  But, marrying a man with children is also a very challenging road to take.  As a stepmother, there are many things that will impact your life of which you have absolutely zero control.  This fact is not going to change....ever.

As a stepmother, you are occasionally the odd-man out.  Your kids and husband may not automatically think of you on Mother's Day.  The activities that fill up your free time may not always be of your choosing. Your lovely date night with your husband may occasionally be interrupted by a text or call from the ex-wife to discuss something child-related. You may not be invited to every parent-teacher conference. Your opinion will not always make a difference when there's a decision to be made about the children.  There will be times when you feel overwhelmed, frustrated and sad.  This is completely normal....and you are not alone.  There are many, many women that can relate.

I try to talk to my husband openly and honestly when I'm struggling with these kind of emotions.  It may not be things he wants to hear or even things he can "fix" for me, but it's important for him to know.  It makes me feel validated and understood, when he just listens to me vent.  It's also important that we take time to just be a couple and remember why we got married in the first place.  That can get easily lost in the shuffle when your life is often a Chinese fire drill of work, school and kid activities.

When you are in a stepfamily, it is important to occasionally pause and take a breath... and do the things you need to do to take care of yourself and your marriage.  Then, smile and jump back in the pool.

The big squeeze

Ok...all you gals out there 40 and over:  you will understand this when I say...I hate getting mammograms.  I understand how important they are and I will continue to get them annually...but I do not enjoy it.  Who really does?  Who wants to get their boobies squished between two plastic torture devices over and over again? 

The first year I had one, it was no big deal.  I went in, got it done and we (me and my boobies) left after 20 minutes.  A week later, I received a letter saying everything looked good and to come back in a year.  No big deal.  This is easy.  What's all the fuss about?  Yeah...right. 

Last year, it wasn't that easy.  I went in for my mammogram and the technician kept a serious look on her face.  She was initially talkative, then got quiet.  This made me a little nervous, but she let me leave without doing anything additional...so I thought I was in the clear.  Two weeks later, I received a phone call on a Friday afternoon saying that they had found a 2 cm "mass" in my left breast and that I needed to come back in for additional views.  Huh?!?  A 2 cm mass?!?  WTF.  That's huge!  I started freaking out.  To make matters worse, they didn't have an appointment for another 1-2 weeks.  There was absolutely no way I was going to wait that long.  My sweet ob/gyn physician had received my mammogram report at his office that day and was kind enough to call me at home.  He assured me that he would make sure I was seen on Monday at the local, excellent breast center at the private hospital in town. 

Needless to say, I spent all weekend trying not to imagine going through a mastectomy and chemotherapy.  Tried not to think about finding a wonderful life with my husband and stepchildren, only to get sick and leave them a few years later.  Tried not to think about how scared I was.

The following Monday I went through a diagnostic mammogram...which is typically more uncomfortable than a screening mammogram.  They tend to squish your boobies a little more tightly.  The technician was kind and smiled...she said "well, that mass is still there.  You are going to need an ultrasound, sweetheart."  She sat me in a special little waiting room with other women that were waiting...women just like me that had little gowns on...women that were scared and unsure.  We all looked at each other with tentative smiles.  We were all in the same boat.  Some younger, some older than me.  Didn't matter.  The fear doesn't change. 

They finally called my name and I went in for my ultrasound.  The ultrasound technician began to ask me about my family history.  "No...no history of breast or ovarian cancer.  No...I don't drink caffeine." Then she asked if my mom had a history of fibrocystic breast disease.  I said..."yes, she does."  My mother gets called back for additional views after her mammograms almost every year.  She has very dense, cystic breasts and always gets that phone call to come back in.  The ultrasound technician smiled and said "Ah, like mother...like daughter."  Her smile told me that everything was going to be ok.  Thank the good Lord.  The radiologist came in and explained that I had a cyst in my breast.  No need to do anything else.  No need to aspirate it, as it wasn't causing me any problems and would most likely come back anyways.  I could just come back in a year. 

I cannot tell you the relief and jubilation I felt.  I had convinced myself that I had breast cancer...that I had been given too many blessings.  My life was just too good.  Karma had to come around and bite me in the butt eventually.  This was going to be my equalizer.  But, it wasn't.  I received a pass.  I was so grateful.

So, when it came around again this year to have a mammogram...I was dreading it.  I went ahead and scheduled the appointment...didn't put it off.  What's the point?  Have to get it done eventually...better to get it over with now.  I went in for the mammogram and the technician was very positive.  No serious looks... she was quite chatty and humorous.  I thought-- great!  No problem this year!  Yeah...not so fast.

3 days later I received that call I was dreading.  I now have a 3 cm mass in my left breast.  Great.  The nurse that called made it sound like a new, different mass from the last time.  She called it "a new density."  Well, crap.  That doesn't sound like a cyst.  Ugh.

A few days later, I went in for my diagnostic mammogram.  The technician completed the exam and went to go speak with the radiologist.  She quickly came back, and told me that I would need an ultrasound.  No surprise...been there, done that...got the t-shirt.  Just didn't want to go through all of this again.  Crap.

I was quickly taken back for my second ultrasound in 2 years.  The ultrasound technician quickly showed me how that same cyst had grown slightly, which accounted for the change in my exam.  Nothing suspicious was seen.  No unusual densities, calcifications or malignant-appearing masses.  My breasts are just fibrocystic.  Great.  I can't get my ovaries to ovulate correctly...but I can sure make big ole cysts in my breasts.  That figures.

Once again though, I felt gratitude and relief.  So, I can't have a baby.  At least I'm healthy and don't have breast cancer.  Thank you, Jesus.  There's nothing like a health scare to put things in perspective.  Maybe I'm not meant to have a baby for reasons I don't know... and can't understand.  Maybe God is looking out for me and I don't even realize it.  Who knows. 

I just have to have faith and put everything in God's hands.  He's never left me alone and always has my back.  The path He's laid out for me has been a good one so far.  I just have to stop thinking about what I want but don't have...and focus on all the blessings that have been given to me. 

This is my prayer.

Christmas in New York

I've been meaning to write about our family trip to New York City... but life has gotten in the way a little lately. The kids had never been to the city and we wanted them to experience it at Christmas time.  We had a few days in December to enjoy the sights and craziness that is New York City at the holidays.

We flew up to LaGuardia early on a Saturday morning.  As a family of five, it can sometimes be difficult to find a taxi that is big enough for all of us and our luggage.  We decided to use the Uber app on our iPhones https://www.uber.com.  I would highly recommend this service.  Although it is slightly more expensive that using a taxi...the convenience and safety advantages make it totally worth it.  Your iPhone app will show you how close your driver is, send you a picture of him/her and tell you what kind of vehicle they are driving.  We had a nice, black suburban pick us up.  Everything is charged to your credit card, including the tip, so no money changes hands. Very professional drivers and a wonderful service!

We stayed at the DoubleTree Times Square  http://doubletree3.hilton.com/en/hotels/new-york/doubletree-suites-by-hilton-hotel-new-york-city-times-square-LGASFDT/index.html . The location of this hotel is perfect.  Right smack in the middle of Times Square.  The kids were able to look out the window and see the action going on below.  My parents had arrived a few days ahead of us, and met us at our hotel.  We had breakfast at a Times Square institution called the Evergreen: http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g60763-d1238514-r121925309-Evergreen_Diner-New_York_City_New_York.html .  The food was delicious, the service was quick and the hot chocolate was excellent.  Very kid-friendly place.

After breakfast, we decided to see the sights of Times Square.  We visited the M&M store, the Hershey store and ToysRUs.  The kids had blast on the huge ferris wheel in the middle of ToysRUs. That evening, we ate a late dinner at another NYC institution, Smith and Wollensky.  http://www.smithandwollensky.com. I've been going to this restaurant since I was a young girl and was thrilled to share it with the kids.  Our middle child declared that it was the "best" hamburger he had ever eaten.  My favorite is the roasted chicken.  It is absolute amazing.  Once we finally arrived back at our hotel, we collapsed in bed.  Of course, I had to get up early and make sure our elf-on-a-shelf, Henry, was behaving himself and located in our room where the children would find him in the morning.

The next morning, our little group split up.  The boys headed to Madison Square Garden to watch the Knicks and the Celtics play.  Our two boys are SO into basketball...this was an absolute dream for them.  The girls headed to Radio City Music Hall to see the Christmas Spectacular.  http://www.radiocity.com.  When I had purchased the tickets a few months prior, it appeared that we were 4th row center.  We thought we had awesome seats.  Apparently with the orchestra pit in place, our 4th row seats were actually front row center.  The look on my stepdaughter's face when we sat down and she looked up at that stage...priceless.  We were able to see every smile on the Rockettes' faces.  It was truly an experience we will never forget.  After the show, she had her picture taken with a Rockette in the lobby of Radio City Music Hall, then we headed towards the American Girl Place. http://www.americangirl.com/stores/location_ny.php

For any of you that have young girls...you know that this is equivalent to a pilgrimage to Mecca.  We looked around the huge store and picked out a few things to take home with us.  We then had lunch (myself, my mom, my stepdaughter and her doll, Julie) in the American Girl Cafe.  Once we finished  lunch, we headed for our salon appointment to get Julie's hair done.  My stepdaughter was able to pick out the hair style she liked and we watched as the doll had a stylist work on her for about 30 minutes.  My stepdaughter then had a photo shoot with her doll...and their picture was put on the front cover of an American Girl Doll magazine for her to frame and take home.  An 8 year-old girl's dream afternoon.

That evening, we hopped on the subway and made a trip to Chinatown.  We had heard how amazing the soup dumplings are at Joe's Shanghai...and we had to try them.  http://www.joeshanghairestaurants.com/. It was very cold outside and had begun to snow that afternoon...so hot, comforting Chinese food was the perfect thing.  For those of you who have never had a soup dumping from Joe's Shanghai...you must.  It is the perfect little package of warmth and goodness.  Beautiful dumpling on the outside...steaming hot with an amazing aroma.  Once you bite into it...a burst of yummy soup with meat and vegetables pours into your mouth.  So so so good.  The kids, my husband and I ate so many dumplings, I was worried that we may have to crawl back to the subway station.  It was a highlight of our trip.

The next day, we spent our time looking at the beautiful Christmas decorations around Rockefeller Center.  We arrived in time to watch the Today Show filming that morning.  We were even able to get the kids on camera, which was fun.  In the afternoon, we traveled to Macy's so that our youngest could sit on Santa's lap. Let me tell you...there is no Santa like a NYC Macy's Santa.  Beautiful costume and a real white beard.  He was just lovely and our girl was thrilled.  Check that one off the bucket list.

Our final meal in the city was spent at Eataly.  http://www.eataly.com/nyc.  This place is heaven for food lovers like my husband and myself.  It is a HUGE Italian food market that has these wonderful, different little Italian restaurants nestled within it.  Each restaurant has a specialty (i.e. fish, vegetables, etc).  We chose to eat at La Pizza & La Pasta http://www.eataly.com/nyc-la-pizza-and-pasta.  We had a great meal of pasta and homemade pizza that made us feel that we were eating in a little place in Florence, Italy.  It was really that authentic and delicious. 

The next day, we made our way to LaGuardia airport to fly home.  Our trip gave us wonderful memories, as a family, to look back on and talk about for years.  Although I was fortunate enough to visit New York City many times as a child, there's nothing like seeing it once again anew... through the eyes of the children you love.

An unshared loss

My sweet husband and I spent our weekend trying to absorb and cope with the bad news we received from our infertility specialist last week.  Fortunately, the kids were with their mom…so we had time together as a couple to deal with our feelings.  We decided to go to Mass on Sunday in an effort to get out of the house and reconnect with our faith.  After we sat down in our pew, we were immediately surrounded by parents with babies and toddlers.  As the priest began to read the scripture and I watched the children around us…huge tears began to fall down my face.  I couldn’t get the tears to stop, hard as I tried.  My husband eventually led me out of the sanctuary.

Infertility itself is a difficult thing to face as a couple.  Infertility within a stepfamily…within a couple that has remarried, where one individual has children from a previous relationship and the other does not…is a whole other ball game.  If you go online to look for resources to help couples like us….you hear crickets.  There’s not much out there.  Sure, there’s a lot on infertility itself…you could spend days reading all of the websites, articles, research and blogs.  But infertility within a second marriage with stepchildren is not something that is discussed very much in the literature.  Believe me…I’ve looked.

A stepfamily, by its own nature, is born from loss-  the loss of the initial marriage and family.  Every member of that family (parents and children) deal with the consequences of that loss for the rest of their lives.  Grief, sadness, anger, resentment, and guilt are present within the fabric of those relationships before the stepparent even comes into the picture.  The stepparent has to learn to find his or her way and establish relationships, in spite of all of these feelings going on within the family they are joining.   

The new stepparent is, very often, like a uninvited guest to a funeral.   You try your best to be kind, caring…but there are still a lot of people at the funeral that wish you weren’t there.   Your presence can be seen as “trying to take the place” of a biological parent, as a “home-wrecker” (even if you weren’t around when the divorce took place) or even as an obstacle preventing reconciliation of the initial marriage.  A new stepparent has to maneuver around these minefields with understanding, patience, and frankly, a tough skin.  There is no way a stepparent can understand or feel the loss of that initial family the way those parents and children do.  It’s just not possible.   It’s a loss that you cannot truly share.

Infertility within a stepfamily is a similar conundrum.   The partner that has children, no matter how much he or she tries, does not have the same investment in conceiving and does not feel the same grief from infertility that is felt by the childless partner.  Also, many times the partner with children does not feel the desire to try extraordinary measures to conceive (i.e. egg donor, embryo adoption) and may be hesitant to have a child that is not genetically-connected to one or both partners.  The financial impact of pursuing infertility treatments can also cause stress and conflict.  These issues can result in a painful impasse…where the couple, no matter how much they love each other, find themselves on different sides of a fence.  Losing the possibility of a mutual child together is sad and disappointing for both in the couple, but the childless partner feels that loss in a more profound way.   This kind of no-win situation can leave the partner with children feeling frustrated and unsure of what to do…and can leave the childless partner feeling deep grief and isolation.  It's a loss that you cannot truly share. 

When we arrived home from Mass, I stood in my closet and cried for what felt like an hour.  My husband put his arms around me and told me he loved me.  There was really nothing else to do.  I can't be given younger ovaries.  I can't make my blood work more optimistic.  It is what it is. 

We have to go through the process of grieving as best we can, then move on with our lives.   

Out of time

So...my husband and I decided to go to a new infertility specialist for a second opinion.  Although we knew that our former physician was good...we just had a hard time believing that our chances of conceiving on our own were gone.  My ob/gyn recommended someone in our community and off we went.  I felt good about it initially.  The specialist was kind and optimistic at our first visit.  On my inital ultrasound I had two follicles!  Yay!  One was 8 mm and one was 15 mm.  Not too shabby!  She decided to have me do ovulation predictor kits during my cycle and I was to notify her when I obtained a positive result, which occurred on cycle day 15.  Seven days later, she had me come in for a progesterone level.  To my surprise, it was very low...indicating that I had not ovulated.  I went back to her office the next week for a follow-up ultrasound and lab work.  Both follicles were gone and my progesterone was still in the basement.  This confirmed that my follicles had both regressed without ovulation.  In addition, my FSH and LH were sky high and my estradiol was very low.

Those of you who have been through this yourselves probably know what came next.  She very kindly and gently told me that based on my lab work, I am perimenopausal.  In fact, my low estradiol level was indicative of actual menopause.  We have, at best, a 1% chance of conceiving on our own.  Additionally, no pill or injectable medication will help my chances at conception.  My only options at this point are donor egg, embryo adoption or normal adoption of a child. 

Now, you may think that all of this should not have come as a shock, especially since my last physician gave me the same options....but it truly did.  I am a healthy, "young" 42 year-old that had a natural conception last year.  I have no symptoms of menopause.  I have mild hypothyroidism that is under good control with medication.  My mother did not go through menopause until her 50's.  I have fairly regular cycles (except the last two have been longer) and I have been getting positive ovulation predictor kits each month at appropriate times.  Apparently, my pituitary gland has been trying to stimulate my ovaries to ovulate (hence the positive ovulation predictor kits) but my ovaries just can't close the deal.  Ovulation isn't happening even with all of the pituitary pushing. Ugh.

So, is it better to have this information or not?  I don't know.  Before this, I still had the naive hope that maybe...just maybe...I could still conceive.  This would be the month...or the next month...or the next.  Although it wasn't enjoyable to go through the roller-coaster ride every cycle, I still had hope.  Hope made me smile and still have a dream of a child, although I knew my chances were low.  Now I know my chances are just about non-existent.  Women that take birth control pills every day have a better chance of conceiving than I do.  My hope is gone and isn't going to return.  Am I better off knowing the truth of the situation?  I don't know.  I no longer have to buy ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests...no more disappointment every month.  But, my hope is gone.  How do you live with knowing that you will never have a child of your own? 

When I was younger, it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't have children.  I had all of the time in the world.  When I was 33 and single, a good physician friend of mine encouraged me to have my eggs frozen...just in case I needed them later.  I laughed at her and said that it wasn't necessary.  Oh, how I wish I had taken her advice.  I didn't know then that I wouldn't marry my soulmate until 40.  Although I love being a stepmom and love my stepchildren, they aren't mine.  They will never be mine.  I am never going to have a child of my own.  I suppose it could be worse.  Infertility isn't a fatal diagnosis.  It isn't a disability.  I can still have peace, health and happiness in my life.  But I will always have a little hole in my heart that can't be filled. 

My time just ran out. 


 

Rest for the weary

I'd like to depart from my typical blog topics to tell you about a nice trip my husband and I took to Virginia a few weekends ago... The kids were with their mom, and we desperately needed some down time from our crazy lives.  We drove to beautiful Charlottesville on Friday afternoon and arrived in time to have dinner.  For those of you that have not visited that area of the world- you are missing out.  The town of Charlottesville and the surrounding areas are absolutely stunning.  We stayed at the Inn at Darden http://www.innatdarden.com/, which is a lovely hotel on the campus of the Universiy of Virginia.  It was clean, quiet, affordable, and the staff there could not have been nicer.

After checking in, we began looking around for a place to have dinner.  Luckily, we stumbled upon a gem called Orzo Kitchen and Wine Bar http://orzokitchen.com/.  They specialize in dishes that use locally grown ingredients...and it was yummy!  My husband had a delicious Caesar salad and a steak.  I had bruschetta with prosciutto and tomato, and a wonderful roasted chicken. It was a great way to start our weekend.

On Saturday, we decided to tour a few of the local vineyards around Charlottesville http://www.monticellowinetrail.com/.  I would like to tell you about a few of our favorites:

-Barboursville Vineyards http://www.barboursvillewine.net/winery/:  This is the home of the 1804 Inn and the renowned restaurant, Palladio.  It also happens to also be the site of the Barboursville ruins, the former mansion of Virginia governor, James Barbour.  The home burned to the ground on Christmas Day of 1884-  only the brick skeleton of the home remains.  Although this was our first stop of the morning for wine tasting (don't judge but yes, drank wine at 10am), their wines were good.

-Pippin Hill Farm and Vineyards http://www.pippinhillfarm.com/: This is my personal favorite.  It's a small vineyard with delicious wines and an outstanding restaurant.  They have a lovely patio that overlooks a beautiful view of Virginia wine country.  We found their Cabernet Sauvignon to be excellent.  We sat out on the patio, shared a good bottle of wine and a delicious tapas plate which included crispy bread, Cabrales blue cheese, Marcona almonds, olives, Manchego cheese, date & brown butter jam, and the most delicious chorizo made by a place called Olli Salumeria http://www.olli.com/.  Yummy!  The chorizo was so good, we brought some home with us.

-King Family Vineyards http://www.kingfamilyvineyards.com/: This is a vineyard and horse farm in beautiful Crozet, Virginia.  During the summer months, the vineyard hosts polo matches!  Their Meritage is great.  It's a nice place to sit and enjoy the view.  When we were there, they happened to have a bus full of UVA fraternity and sorority members visiting.  Lots of tipsy college kids-- good entertainment value.  It also reminded me of how happy I am to be out of college!

-Jefferson Vineyards http://jeffersonvineyards.com/:  Good wines and interesting history.  Located near Monticello.

-Blenheim Vineyards http://blenheimvineyards.com/: Owned by the great Dave Matthews.  Beautiful wine tasting facility and good, solid wines.

-Trump Winery http://trumpwinery.com/:  Yeah, I know what you are thinking.  I thought that too.  We ended up going to Trump only because it's right down the road from Blenheim Vineyards.  We were actually very pleasantly surprised.  Lovely wine tasting facility and excellent wines.  You can also eat there- we didn't, but the food looked delicious.

-Pollack Vineyards http://www.pollakvineyards.com/:  Beautiful vineyard with good wines.  The surrounding views are wonderful!

That evening, we had a wonderful dinner at a very small Italian restaurant in the Belmont area of Charlottesville called Tavola http://tavolavino.com/.  My linguini alla carbonara was excellent and was made with panchetta from Olli Salumeria.  One word of warning....this place doesn't take reservations and is TINY.  Go early or late...and still expect to wait a little while.  It's totally worth it.  

On Sunday morning, we ate brunch at a great place called The Nook http://www.thenookcville.com/.  It's located within the downtown historic mall area of Charlottesville http://www.downtowncharlottesville.net/.  I had a delicious mimosa and a plate of eggs, toast, crispy bacon and homemade potatoes.  Mmm mmm.

After having brunch, our last stop was the former home of Thomas Jefferson, Monticello http://www.monticello.org/.  I would recommend calling for a reservation before you go, if you can.  It will make your life a little easier.  The welcome center is at the bottom of the hill and has a nice cafe, museum store and museum.  They also have a short film about the life of Thomas Jefferson that is included in your admission price.  A shuttle bus will take you up the hill to Monticello for your scheduled tour of the home.  You can also walk around the grounds to see the gardens and former slave dwellings.  In the back of the property is the family cemetery that is the burial ground of Thomas Jefferson and his decendents.  It's a great way to spend a pretty afternoon.  I would recommend going in the spring, if you can, when the gardens will be at their best.  

Once we left Monticello, we made our way home.  I hope we can go back to Virginia again soon.  It was a great, brief respite from the craziness...a chance to recharge our batteries and just be a couple of (still) newlyweds. 

The devil in your pocket

I need to confess something.  I dearly love my iPhone.  I'm embarrased to admit it, but it's true.  Over time, it has become my constant companion...to the point that I feel naked without it.  It keeps up with my four email accounts, my three calendars, my hundreds of pictures, my complete iTunes collection of music, all of my lists and reminders for work, and the names/numbers/addresses of everyone I know.  It allows me to read a good book, find out what the weather will be next Tuesday, discover what time it is in Bangkok, obtain the news from 100 different news sources, play Candy Crush when I'm bored, text my husband at random times just to say "I love you" and chat with my parents who live four hours away via FaceTime.  It is an amazing piece of technology.   In fact, I keep an iPhone charger in my office at work and a portable charger in my pocket, just in case my battery runs low during the day.  Can't do without it.  I'm not proud of my addiction, but there it is.  Luckily, my husband has a similar affliction and hasn't staged an intervention to insist that I join a 12 step program.

Having said this, my husband and I have recently discovered that the beloved iPhone can, in the wrong hands, be a portal to bad behavior and exposure to a wealth of inappropriate things.  Our oldest child was given an iPhone six months ago as a reward for his good grades.  Maybe we were naive, or just plain stupid.  I don't know.  We truly had no idea the Pandora's box we were opening up for ourselves and our barely 13 year-old son.  We thought we were doing a good thing...and he was THRILLED!  The iPhone means love and sunshine, right??  So why not share the love?  Yeah- I know what you are thinking: this chick and her husband are clueless....and, you would be right.  We were totally clueless.  We made a major mistake by not researching all of the different facets of the phone and its cornucopia of downloadable applications prior to giving it to our child.  I won't go into details...but suffice it to say that we had a surprise in store for us when we had the opportunity to go through his iPhone and see what he had been up to.  

Applications such as Instagram, Kik, SnapChat, Vine, Ask.fm, Pandora, Twitter are fun, harmless applications in the hands of responsible adults with good intentions.  In the hands of a young teenager who has no concept of danger and an over-abundance of hormones...these apps have the potential to be used in ways that no parent would like or promote.  We had installed parental controls on our son's iPhone...and it was laughable how little that did.  

If your child has a smart phone, then be smart about it.  Learn about all the social apps that kids are using now. Consider putting appropriate limits on their use of the phone and on their ability to download certain applications.  I know not every parent would feel comfortable monitoring their child's phone due to privacy concerns.  For us, we would rather be guilty of a small invasion of privacy, and subsequently keep our child from something harmful.  That's a trade off I will take every day of the week.  

An object that my husband and I truly love...turned into an evil thing for our sweet son.  A wake-up call that something you believe you know all about...can still have its secrets and dark sides.  I never imagined an iPhone could cause so much trouble.  The devil that was in his pocket is now sitting on a shelf in our closet with its service turned off.  

It takes a village

So, as our kids are getting bigger (they are now 8, 10 and 13), their extra-curricular activities are becoming more time-consuming.  Both of the boys are involved in scouting.  Our oldest is a Boy Scout and our middle child is getting ready to go from a Webelo to a Boy Scout next year.  They have lots of camping trips and hiking adventures- which is a great way for them to spend special time with their dad.  The boys are also both members of a competitive basketball league that will allow them to increase their skill level and play in 7-9 regional or national tournaments.  As they are 3 years apart, they are on different teams within the same league, so that means different games and tournaments for each boy.  Our daughter is involved in ballet and is part of her studio's production of the Nutcracker this Christmas.  She also just began English horseback riding lessons and is learning the basics of dressage.  As you can imagine, all of these activities, plus school work, can be a lot for the kids...and for us.

My husband and I both have full-time careers.  The kids' mother also works full time.  I'm not sure how "normal" families with two parents swing it.  We have trouble juggling all of our commitments in our "new normal" family with three parents (my husband, me and the kids' mother).  Our afternoons and weekends look a lot like a Chinese fire drill...with all of us going in different directions.  Sometimes, we just can't do it all...and that's ok.

My husband's parents moved from their long-time home in a near-by town to our community last year.  They are wonderful about helping us shuttle the kids around to their activities, especially if one of us gets stuck at work.  They also babysit for us on occasion if the kids have an early release from school.   They have been a true blessing for us and the kiddos.  We also enjoy just having them closer.  It's nice to be able to have dinner with them, or spend a Sunday afternoon at their house.  We would not be able to have this time with them if they hadn't moved.

My in-laws also had another reason to move closer.  My father-in-law has Parkinson's Disease.  He has been living with this condition for a long time... and has shown us all the meaning of courage and determination.  As his disease has progressed, his ability to do the things he loves (such as going to football games and playing golf) has slowly diminished.  He is also starting to become easily confused with things that involve short-term memory.  This has been a hard thing to watch...for us all.  My husband misses the experienced, insightful father that used to have good advice for every situation... a man that could fill a conversation with wit, humor and intelligence.  My mother-in-law misses the husband that was her life partner, golf partner and dinner companion.  Although he is still there, he is not the same person...and she grieves that loss a little more every day.  Every once in a while, my lovely father-in-law will show us a flash of his former self...through a little joke or a mischievous smile.  These flashes are becoming less frequent with time, so they are even more precious when they occur.  My husband and I help my mother-in-law as much as we can, so that she can have a break from the stress of being a caregiver.

Even though my husband, I and the kids are a family of 5...we are really more than that.   The boundaries of our family unit also include my parents, my brother, my in-laws... and even the kids' mother.   We all work together to take care of each other. We could not do it alone. We all have our burdens and blessings...and we lean on each other for support, love and an occasional laugh.  Our family isn't perfect of course, but what family is? Families are made up of flawed individuals...like me. The old saying is true...it does take a village.  Our little imperfect village has a lot on its plate, but luckily we have each other to help lighten the load.

https://www.michaeljfox.org/

A good egg?

Following our pregnancy loss, we attempted to conceive again. Initially, we continued to try the old fashioned way with a little help from ovulation predictor kits.  No luck.  So, we added a touch of Femara at the beginning of my cycles, under the guidance of my ob/gyn.  No luck.  Then we added vaginal progesterone after ovulation, hoping to correct any luteal phase issues I may have due to my age.  Still nothing.  After about a year of all this, we decided to bite the bullet and seek help from an infertility specialist.  I could hear my biological clock ticking loudly in my ears and knew we needed to get going.

The specialist was kind...and honest.  Gave us all of the statistics for women of my age.  By my labwork, he could tell that my egg quality wasn't awesome, but he was willing to give it a full effort.  I was excited and really believed that we would conceive with some help.  Anyway...we had just conceived a year before this...shouldn't be too hard, right?  All we needed was a little assistance.  Maybe we just weren't timing things well on our own.  Now our efforts would be planned and monitored.  Great.  Not very romantic, but we were willing to go through the "fun" of fertility treatments if it meant we could have a child.

The first cycle of "fun" was Clomid.  I sat down with the nurse and learned all of the potential side effects...moodiness, hyperstimulation, too many eggs, etc.  I was scared, but what options did we have?  I began the Clomid as instructed and went in for my first ultrasound.  Just one small follicle?  Seriously?  That's it?  The physician said not to worry...this is just our first cycle...we have a lot more we can do.  I ended up ovulating on my own before they could even give me an HCG trigger to make me ovulate at the right time.  Ugh.  On to the next.

The second cycle was high dose Clomid.   Insert the above paragraph again here.  Same crappy thing happened.  One egg...ovulated too early.  Ugh.  We realized this wasn't going to be as easy as we had hoped.

For my third cycle, they decided to start me on injectable medications.  Ok! We are getting the big guns now!  I am going to produce a bunch of eggs!  So many that we won't know what to do with them all!  Umm.. yeah.  Not so much.  I produced my one, lonely egg.  They didn't feel that one egg was sufficient to justify performing an IUI (intrauterine insemination) so we were told to "try on our own" at home with ovulation predictor kits.  My physician said this recommendation with a look of kind pity on his face.  I was beginning to get the picture.

With my last cycle, they increased my injectible medication to a "large" dose.   They also added another medication to prevent me from ovulating early.  By now, I'm sure you are starting to see the writing on the wall as I was.  One egg only.  They had difficulty preventing me from ovulating on my own. On cycle day 10, they determined I was in the middle of ovulating by some blood work I had drawn that morning.  They called me at work and told me to come right away for an IUI.  I knew that they previously had not wanted to perform an IUI with only one egg.  I realized they were giving me a "Hail Mary" chance with this cycle...because they saw the writing on the wall too.  This wasn't working the way it should.  My sweet husband came running over to the doctor's office to "deposit" his contribution to the effort and I underwent the IUI.  No luck.

The next month, my infertility specialist asked that my husband and I come in to talk about next steps.  I knew what that meant.  We were going to get the "we've-tried-all-we-can-do-with-your-bad-eggs-and-it's-not-working" talk.  And, indeed that's what we got... although it was said a little nicer and with a lot of sympathy.  My physician said I wasn't a candidate for IVF due to my poor egg quality.  He talked about donor eggs and embryo adoption....ugh.  My head was spinning.  The whole point of this thing was that I wanted a baby with my husband.  One that was part me (with my stubbornness and love of bubble baths) and part him (with his sense of humor and OCD tendencies).  That's what I wanted.  My husband's sperm fertilizing someone else's egg or adopting an embryo that wasn't genetically connected to either of us was not the picture I had in mind at all.

No.  Unfair.  Why us?  Those words came back to me again as they did after my miscarriage...like a bad friend that won't get out of your life.  A friend that doesn't do you any favors.  I knew that feeling sorry for myself would get me nowhere.  I'm not the only person in the world that has been through this kind of thing....surely there are hundreds just in my community alone.  I'm not special.  I'm just a girl with a lot of blessings in her life...more than I deserve...that is unable to have a baby of her own.  Big deal.  So, be happy with what you have.  Suck it up, girl.   Sounds easier than it is.

Grieving the loss of fertility and the loss of a future pregnancy is not for the faint of heart.  It is devastating and life-changing.  How do you come to terms with the fact that you will never have a child?  How do you find the strength to say goodbye to someone that you never had the opportunity to meet and love?

What no one tells you is....dealing with your own infertility while being a stepmom is hard.  I mean, really hard.  Let me be clear:  I love my stepchildren with all of my heart and would do anything in the world for them--without a doubt.  But struggling with the inability to have your own child while taking care of someone else's children is not always easy.  It is a reminder of what I will never have.  I will never hear someone call me "mom."  I will never have that kind of bond with a child.  When I am around the kids' mother, I am reminded that she has shared something with my husband that I will never share with him.  She was able to give him three beautiful, healthy kids...I can't give him one.  She has that precious connection with him that I will never have.  That is a hard thing to live with.

Of course, all of this is absolutely no one's fault.  It is what it is.  I'm lucky to have my sweet stepchildren.  They have no idea I am going through this struggle, and they shouldn't.  They have had enough upheaval and adjustments in their life.  They don't need to know about my drama.  Also, it's not my husband's fault.  He has done everything I have asked of him, and then some.  He can't help the fact that I am now 42 and my eggs suck.  All of this is out of his control, as it is mine.   And the kids' mother can't help that she was blessed with having three children.  I can't hold that against her.  I'm sure I have a lot of blessings in my life that she doesn't.  And...again I'm reminded that life isn't always fair.  It's just life.

My husband and I are still dealing with these issues and decisions now.  It's not easy and the conversations are hard.  But, with love and faith...I am hopeful that as this door starts to close, a window will open somewhere.

http://www.resolve.org/

A bump in the road

Once we became somewhat settled in our new lives together, my husband and I began to work on conceiving a child.  To be honest, he wasn't all that excited about the idea initially.  We talked about it when we were dating, and at first he felt completely content with what he had...and didn't really want to go through all of that again.  I couldn't blame him.  He had his hands full as a single dad of three and I'm sure the thought of a newborn baby made him break out into a cold sweat.  I got that completely.  But, I had no children of my own and very much wanted to have that experience with him, if we could.  After a lot of thought and discussion, we agreed that we would try.

To my surprise, I had a positive pregnancy test 8 months after we married.  I truly thought that it would take longer, and that I may have to see an infertility specialist (because of my age).  We were thrilled, but a little scared.  I had suffered a miscarriage during my first marriage and I was worried that it could happen to me again.  We kept the pregnancy a secret from most of the people in our lives (including the children) until we knew everything was ok.  I was extremely nervous.

Things were going great until about 9 weeks gestation.  I was on an out-of-town trip for work and I began spotting.  It wasn't much and it wasn't consistent, but I was scared.  When I arrived home, I went to my obstetrican and had an ultrasound.  To my relief, the fetus was the appropriate size and had a good heart beat.  I kicked myself for over-reacting.  Silly, silly girl.  Everything is fine.  The spotting continued off and on for a few weeks, then stopped abruptly.  I was relieved.  Surely this means my pregnancy is progressing well...?  At my next visit with the obstetrician at 11 weeks gestation, they performed another ultrasound.  I knew immediately what I didn't want to believe.  No heart beat.  Our baby was gone.  I looked over at my husband, who didn't realize what was going on, and shook my head.  No.  No baby.  No pregnancy.  No.  Please God, please make this not be true.  Not another loss.  Please.  No.

I couldn't let my emotions out until we arrived home.  My sweet husband put his arms around me and I cried for what seemed like an eternity.  I was scheduled for a D&C (dilation and curretage) the next morning.  When we arrived at the hospital, my preoperative nurse reviewed my chart and kindly reminded me that I had undergone a D&C for my previous pregnancy loss 15 years ago at that same hospital.  Yeah...thanks.  I remember.  Ugh.

One thing I loved about being pregnant, was the absolute joy and hope you experience every day... at least that's how I felt.  I was so grateful and happy to be pregnant.  Once my procedure was over and I was home recovering, I felt so empty.  So sad and empty.  It's hard to understand how that truly feels unless you've had a pregnancy loss.  I tried to pick myself up and get on with my life.  I had a career, husband and three kids that depended on me.  I couldn't crawl in a cave and grieve forever, even though that's what I truly wanted to do.

We had decided, at the time of my D&C, to perform genetic studies on the baby. We were notified a few weeks later that it had been a girl and that she had a genetic disorder called triploidy.  Triploidy is not compatible with life and is not related to the age of a mother.  It's a random, spontaneous occurrence.  A stupid lightening strike.  

This news did give us a little comfort, however.  Our child did not suffer and we, as her parents, did not have a difficult decision placed upon us.  God made that decision for us and took her.  For this, I'm grateful... But I didn't understand why this happened at all. Why us? Why our child?  Not fair.  But, life isn't fair- no one ever promised it would be.  Unfair things happen to good people every day.  Why should we be any different?

My husband and I depended on each other and our faith to get through that tough time.  We were hopeful in the fact that I was able to conceive without help...at the age of 41.  Yay team!  We just assumed it would be a matter of time before we conceived again.  Little did we know.

A new life

After the wedding, my husband and I bought a new home and began adjusting to the routine of 50/50 joint custody.  The kids are with us every Monday and Wednesday night...and every other weekend.  Although this schedule means a lot of back and forth, it does allow the children to spend a good amount of time with each parent during the week.  As an extra bonus, it allows my husband and I the opportunity to have an occasional date night without the kids...which is important when you are adjusting to a new marriage and a new blended family.  I will give my husband props-- he does a great job in making sure we have quality couple time together.  In that first year, I think I may have lost my sanity without those date nights.   Going from a single, career-minded gal to a wife with three stepchildren is a big ole' jump...for even the most easy-going of women.  Every person that goes through that kind of change will have issues and challenges.  I don't care who you are or how much yoga you do.  It is what it is.  All you can hope for is a very patient, understanding husband and stepchildren that are sweet, loving and well-adjusted.  Thankfully, I have all of the above.  But...that doesn't mean we haven't had our challenges...and I chuckle as I type this sentence.  We have our challenges every week.

My first personal challenge was adjusting to the presence of the ex-wife/kids' mother.  To give her credit, she has always been polite and respectful to me when we are together.  She never has spoken badly of me in front of the children...and of course, I have returned that favor.  Now don't miss understand--my husband and I have had issues with her over typical things such as money and schedules...but we have made a concerted effort to get along for the children's sake.  I allow my husband to do all of the communicating with her regarding the children.  In general, she and I do not text, email or call each other about anything.  Occasionally, I will send her a picture of the kids if they are doing something neat...but that's it.  I think it works better for all parties when the communicating is between the two parents and doesn't involve the stepmom.  Now the three of us (my husband, myself and the ex) are certainly not all sunshine and roses together...but as far as the kids know, we are.  We all go to the kids' activities and sit together as a family...albeit a strange and slightly uncomfortable one.

When I married my husband, I made a very deliberate effort to not step on the toes of the kids' mother.  I understand my role in this family as the stepmom- I am an adult that the kids should respect and mind...an adult they can also have fun with and confide in...but I am not their mother.   And...I will never be their mother.  They call me by my first name...not "mom." I would never ask that of them, and I shouldn't.  No matter how many lunches I pack, cupcakes I make, boo-boo's I kiss, arguments I referee...they aren't mine. This has been the hardest adjustment...and is still difficult to this day.  More on that later.

As I have tried to make friends in my new community, I have discovered that being the "new wife" and the "new stepmom" can be a barrier sometimes.  A few individuals that have never really met me and don't know me...just dislike me on principle and will give me the stink-eye whenever I see them.  Maybe because they are friends with the ex...or maybe they are just uncomfortable with the role I represent.  Who knows.  For someone like me, who has always tried to be friendly and kind to everyone, this came as a surprise.   I will say that the majority of the people in our little community that are friends with the ex have been very supportive and nice to me.  For this I am thankful.  I am hesitant, however, to share too many details of my life with these folks for obvious reasons.  I am no dummy.  No matter how well you get along with the ex, you don't need mutual friends sharing information that you would rather keep private.

Ah...privacy.  Yet another adjustment in my new life as a stepmom.  No matter how much you love your stepchildren...and I love mine to the moon and back....they will share anything and everything with their mom.  Whatever happens when they are around is fair game.  Kids have no filter and no concept that certain things said/done in one home should not be mentioned in the other home.  And to be fair...my husband and I have heard plenty of things from the kids about the ex that she probably wishes could've been kept private too.  Kids are equal opportunity blabbers.  It is what it is.  You can't explain the concept of privacy to a 6 year old.  Just doesn't work.  I know as the kids get older this will most likely get better.... but I'm not holding out too many hopes.

Stepmoms also have a peculiar position when it comes to disciplining the children.  If they are with me and their dad isn't around, I discipline them based on the rules that their dad and I have established in our home.  Otherwise, I let their dad handle any and all discipline.  I am there to be supportive of my husband and to referee when needed...but I do not hand out the punishments on a normal day.  Deciding rules and punishments in a household is another challenging, and sometimes sticky, endeavor.  Our rules and beliefs do not always reflect those of their mom.  We have different perspectives on occasions, but it is important to be as consistent as you can between the two households.  There have been times when their mom has had an opinion on a punishment that I did not agree with....and I have had to step aside and just be supportive of my husband.  Not always the easiest thing to bite your tongue, when these kinds of decisions impact your life...but that is the way it is sometimes.

I think the most important thing we had to do in that first year was establish routines and traditions as a new family...but also respect the old traditions from before as best we could.  This was the "new normal" for all of us...and adjustments had to be made by everyone.  This is a process that is ongoing and fluid to this day.

And it began...

After dating for two months, I was blessed with the opportunity to meet the kids.  I was introduced as "Dad's friend" and I was immediately charmed by all three kiddos.  The youngest (girl) was four, the middle (boy) was six and the oldest (boy) was nine.  The oldest was the first to talk to me...which I will always appreciate.  His ability to talk with and smile at this woman that he had never met before gave the other two younger ones the green light to like me as well.  That set the tone of the beginnings of our relationship.

Initially after that first meeting, my future husband and I were very careful around the children.  I was his friend....and we took care to slowly integrate my presence into their lives.  At the same time, we tried to make sure the kids had plenty of alone time with their dad.  I was not there very often at first...and then I would occasionally go with them to the movies, dinner, etc.  Over a span of several months, their dad and I began to be a little bit more affectionate in front of and around the children (holding hands, etc) once we knew they were completely comfortable with me.  It took a lot of time and care to make sure the kids were happy and secure with our relationship.  It was hard, but I am so glad we did it that way.  It made all of the difference, I believe.

After dating for almost a year, my future husband sat the kids down and asked their permission to propose to me.  (Of course, I had no idea this was going on).  Thankfully, the children were thrilled and gave their full blessing.  He ended up proposing to me a few days later in a very simple, sweet way...which is reflective of our relationship.  No drama and no fuss, but a lot of love.  We were married eight months later in a small wedding ceremony.  We only had 15 guests (immediate family and a few close friends).  My stepdaughter was my maid-of-honor and stood next to me during the ceremony.  Our middle child was the groomsman and our oldest child was the best man.  Like the proposal and like our relationship, the wedding was simple and beautiful.  I had prepared a small vow that I said to the children during the wedding- promising that I would always be there for them and that I would always support their relationship with their dad...and their mom.  It was a beautiful day and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.  I finally found and married the man of my dreams...and was given the additional blessing of being in the lives of his children.  Four blessings added to my life in one day.  Wow. 

Then the real adventure began...

Well, here goes nothing...

This is a blog by a woman who happened to find her soulmate at the age of 38.  He is actually someone that grew up in my neighborhood and went to my high school.  We were friends back then...never dated.  We reconnected four years ago after I moved back to our home state.  I had gotten married briefly in my 20's after college, but divorced after three years.  I had spent the last ten years going to graduate school and working on my career.  He had recently gone through a divorce and was a single dad to three kiddos. 

When he and I began dating, no one was more surprised than the two of us.  We were both bruised, tired and certain that we would never find life-long love.  Our first date wasn't really a first date at all.  We had connected on facebook and had decided to meet for dinner to catch up.  It was supposed to be just a friendly reunion, but as I was sitting there looking at him....listening to him speak...I thought:  "Wow.  This guy is sweet, funny, thoughtful, handsome...why didn't I notice that in high school"?

After a week of talking and sending texts, we decided to have dinner again.  When he came to pick me up at my home, he walked in...grabbed me...and gave me the most romantic kiss of my life.  And there it began.

At first, the thought of dating a man with three young kids was frightening.  I didn't have children of my own and never really spent a lot of time around children.  How would this work?  Would I suck at it?  Would the kids hate me for some reason? I decided to not worry about all of that in the beginning.  Eventually, if I was lucky, I would meet the kids.  For time being, I would focus on my new love...