Christmas in New York

I've been meaning to write about our family trip to New York City... but life has gotten in the way a little lately. The kids had never been to the city and we wanted them to experience it at Christmas time.  We had a few days in December to enjoy the sights and craziness that is New York City at the holidays.

We flew up to LaGuardia early on a Saturday morning.  As a family of five, it can sometimes be difficult to find a taxi that is big enough for all of us and our luggage.  We decided to use the Uber app on our iPhones https://www.uber.com.  I would highly recommend this service.  Although it is slightly more expensive that using a taxi...the convenience and safety advantages make it totally worth it.  Your iPhone app will show you how close your driver is, send you a picture of him/her and tell you what kind of vehicle they are driving.  We had a nice, black suburban pick us up.  Everything is charged to your credit card, including the tip, so no money changes hands. Very professional drivers and a wonderful service!

We stayed at the DoubleTree Times Square  http://doubletree3.hilton.com/en/hotels/new-york/doubletree-suites-by-hilton-hotel-new-york-city-times-square-LGASFDT/index.html . The location of this hotel is perfect.  Right smack in the middle of Times Square.  The kids were able to look out the window and see the action going on below.  My parents had arrived a few days ahead of us, and met us at our hotel.  We had breakfast at a Times Square institution called the Evergreen: http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g60763-d1238514-r121925309-Evergreen_Diner-New_York_City_New_York.html .  The food was delicious, the service was quick and the hot chocolate was excellent.  Very kid-friendly place.

After breakfast, we decided to see the sights of Times Square.  We visited the M&M store, the Hershey store and ToysRUs.  The kids had blast on the huge ferris wheel in the middle of ToysRUs. That evening, we ate a late dinner at another NYC institution, Smith and Wollensky.  http://www.smithandwollensky.com. I've been going to this restaurant since I was a young girl and was thrilled to share it with the kids.  Our middle child declared that it was the "best" hamburger he had ever eaten.  My favorite is the roasted chicken.  It is absolute amazing.  Once we finally arrived back at our hotel, we collapsed in bed.  Of course, I had to get up early and make sure our elf-on-a-shelf, Henry, was behaving himself and located in our room where the children would find him in the morning.

The next morning, our little group split up.  The boys headed to Madison Square Garden to watch the Knicks and the Celtics play.  Our two boys are SO into basketball...this was an absolute dream for them.  The girls headed to Radio City Music Hall to see the Christmas Spectacular.  http://www.radiocity.com.  When I had purchased the tickets a few months prior, it appeared that we were 4th row center.  We thought we had awesome seats.  Apparently with the orchestra pit in place, our 4th row seats were actually front row center.  The look on my stepdaughter's face when we sat down and she looked up at that stage...priceless.  We were able to see every smile on the Rockettes' faces.  It was truly an experience we will never forget.  After the show, she had her picture taken with a Rockette in the lobby of Radio City Music Hall, then we headed towards the American Girl Place. http://www.americangirl.com/stores/location_ny.php

For any of you that have young girls...you know that this is equivalent to a pilgrimage to Mecca.  We looked around the huge store and picked out a few things to take home with us.  We then had lunch (myself, my mom, my stepdaughter and her doll, Julie) in the American Girl Cafe.  Once we finished  lunch, we headed for our salon appointment to get Julie's hair done.  My stepdaughter was able to pick out the hair style she liked and we watched as the doll had a stylist work on her for about 30 minutes.  My stepdaughter then had a photo shoot with her doll...and their picture was put on the front cover of an American Girl Doll magazine for her to frame and take home.  An 8 year-old girl's dream afternoon.

That evening, we hopped on the subway and made a trip to Chinatown.  We had heard how amazing the soup dumplings are at Joe's Shanghai...and we had to try them.  http://www.joeshanghairestaurants.com/. It was very cold outside and had begun to snow that afternoon...so hot, comforting Chinese food was the perfect thing.  For those of you who have never had a soup dumping from Joe's Shanghai...you must.  It is the perfect little package of warmth and goodness.  Beautiful dumpling on the outside...steaming hot with an amazing aroma.  Once you bite into it...a burst of yummy soup with meat and vegetables pours into your mouth.  So so so good.  The kids, my husband and I ate so many dumplings, I was worried that we may have to crawl back to the subway station.  It was a highlight of our trip.

The next day, we spent our time looking at the beautiful Christmas decorations around Rockefeller Center.  We arrived in time to watch the Today Show filming that morning.  We were even able to get the kids on camera, which was fun.  In the afternoon, we traveled to Macy's so that our youngest could sit on Santa's lap. Let me tell you...there is no Santa like a NYC Macy's Santa.  Beautiful costume and a real white beard.  He was just lovely and our girl was thrilled.  Check that one off the bucket list.

Our final meal in the city was spent at Eataly.  http://www.eataly.com/nyc.  This place is heaven for food lovers like my husband and myself.  It is a HUGE Italian food market that has these wonderful, different little Italian restaurants nestled within it.  Each restaurant has a specialty (i.e. fish, vegetables, etc).  We chose to eat at La Pizza & La Pasta http://www.eataly.com/nyc-la-pizza-and-pasta.  We had a great meal of pasta and homemade pizza that made us feel that we were eating in a little place in Florence, Italy.  It was really that authentic and delicious. 

The next day, we made our way to LaGuardia airport to fly home.  Our trip gave us wonderful memories, as a family, to look back on and talk about for years.  Although I was fortunate enough to visit New York City many times as a child, there's nothing like seeing it once again anew... through the eyes of the children you love.

An unshared loss

My sweet husband and I spent our weekend trying to absorb and cope with the bad news we received from our infertility specialist last week.  Fortunately, the kids were with their mom…so we had time together as a couple to deal with our feelings.  We decided to go to Mass on Sunday in an effort to get out of the house and reconnect with our faith.  After we sat down in our pew, we were immediately surrounded by parents with babies and toddlers.  As the priest began to read the scripture and I watched the children around us…huge tears began to fall down my face.  I couldn’t get the tears to stop, hard as I tried.  My husband eventually led me out of the sanctuary.

Infertility itself is a difficult thing to face as a couple.  Infertility within a stepfamily…within a couple that has remarried, where one individual has children from a previous relationship and the other does not…is a whole other ball game.  If you go online to look for resources to help couples like us….you hear crickets.  There’s not much out there.  Sure, there’s a lot on infertility itself…you could spend days reading all of the websites, articles, research and blogs.  But infertility within a second marriage with stepchildren is not something that is discussed very much in the literature.  Believe me…I’ve looked.

A stepfamily, by its own nature, is born from loss-  the loss of the initial marriage and family.  Every member of that family (parents and children) deal with the consequences of that loss for the rest of their lives.  Grief, sadness, anger, resentment, and guilt are present within the fabric of those relationships before the stepparent even comes into the picture.  The stepparent has to learn to find his or her way and establish relationships, in spite of all of these feelings going on within the family they are joining.   

The new stepparent is, very often, like a uninvited guest to a funeral.   You try your best to be kind, caring…but there are still a lot of people at the funeral that wish you weren’t there.   Your presence can be seen as “trying to take the place” of a biological parent, as a “home-wrecker” (even if you weren’t around when the divorce took place) or even as an obstacle preventing reconciliation of the initial marriage.  A new stepparent has to maneuver around these minefields with understanding, patience, and frankly, a tough skin.  There is no way a stepparent can understand or feel the loss of that initial family the way those parents and children do.  It’s just not possible.   It’s a loss that you cannot truly share.

Infertility within a stepfamily is a similar conundrum.   The partner that has children, no matter how much he or she tries, does not have the same investment in conceiving and does not feel the same grief from infertility that is felt by the childless partner.  Also, many times the partner with children does not feel the desire to try extraordinary measures to conceive (i.e. egg donor, embryo adoption) and may be hesitant to have a child that is not genetically-connected to one or both partners.  The financial impact of pursuing infertility treatments can also cause stress and conflict.  These issues can result in a painful impasse…where the couple, no matter how much they love each other, find themselves on different sides of a fence.  Losing the possibility of a mutual child together is sad and disappointing for both in the couple, but the childless partner feels that loss in a more profound way.   This kind of no-win situation can leave the partner with children feeling frustrated and unsure of what to do…and can leave the childless partner feeling deep grief and isolation.  It's a loss that you cannot truly share. 

When we arrived home from Mass, I stood in my closet and cried for what felt like an hour.  My husband put his arms around me and told me he loved me.  There was really nothing else to do.  I can't be given younger ovaries.  I can't make my blood work more optimistic.  It is what it is. 

We have to go through the process of grieving as best we can, then move on with our lives.   

Out of time

So...my husband and I decided to go to a new infertility specialist for a second opinion.  Although we knew that our former physician was good...we just had a hard time believing that our chances of conceiving on our own were gone.  My ob/gyn recommended someone in our community and off we went.  I felt good about it initially.  The specialist was kind and optimistic at our first visit.  On my inital ultrasound I had two follicles!  Yay!  One was 8 mm and one was 15 mm.  Not too shabby!  She decided to have me do ovulation predictor kits during my cycle and I was to notify her when I obtained a positive result, which occurred on cycle day 15.  Seven days later, she had me come in for a progesterone level.  To my surprise, it was very low...indicating that I had not ovulated.  I went back to her office the next week for a follow-up ultrasound and lab work.  Both follicles were gone and my progesterone was still in the basement.  This confirmed that my follicles had both regressed without ovulation.  In addition, my FSH and LH were sky high and my estradiol was very low.

Those of you who have been through this yourselves probably know what came next.  She very kindly and gently told me that based on my lab work, I am perimenopausal.  In fact, my low estradiol level was indicative of actual menopause.  We have, at best, a 1% chance of conceiving on our own.  Additionally, no pill or injectable medication will help my chances at conception.  My only options at this point are donor egg, embryo adoption or normal adoption of a child. 

Now, you may think that all of this should not have come as a shock, especially since my last physician gave me the same options....but it truly did.  I am a healthy, "young" 42 year-old that had a natural conception last year.  I have no symptoms of menopause.  I have mild hypothyroidism that is under good control with medication.  My mother did not go through menopause until her 50's.  I have fairly regular cycles (except the last two have been longer) and I have been getting positive ovulation predictor kits each month at appropriate times.  Apparently, my pituitary gland has been trying to stimulate my ovaries to ovulate (hence the positive ovulation predictor kits) but my ovaries just can't close the deal.  Ovulation isn't happening even with all of the pituitary pushing. Ugh.

So, is it better to have this information or not?  I don't know.  Before this, I still had the naive hope that maybe...just maybe...I could still conceive.  This would be the month...or the next month...or the next.  Although it wasn't enjoyable to go through the roller-coaster ride every cycle, I still had hope.  Hope made me smile and still have a dream of a child, although I knew my chances were low.  Now I know my chances are just about non-existent.  Women that take birth control pills every day have a better chance of conceiving than I do.  My hope is gone and isn't going to return.  Am I better off knowing the truth of the situation?  I don't know.  I no longer have to buy ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests...no more disappointment every month.  But, my hope is gone.  How do you live with knowing that you will never have a child of your own? 

When I was younger, it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't have children.  I had all of the time in the world.  When I was 33 and single, a good physician friend of mine encouraged me to have my eggs frozen...just in case I needed them later.  I laughed at her and said that it wasn't necessary.  Oh, how I wish I had taken her advice.  I didn't know then that I wouldn't marry my soulmate until 40.  Although I love being a stepmom and love my stepchildren, they aren't mine.  They will never be mine.  I am never going to have a child of my own.  I suppose it could be worse.  Infertility isn't a fatal diagnosis.  It isn't a disability.  I can still have peace, health and happiness in my life.  But I will always have a little hole in my heart that can't be filled. 

My time just ran out. 


 

Rest for the weary

I'd like to depart from my typical blog topics to tell you about a nice trip my husband and I took to Virginia a few weekends ago... The kids were with their mom, and we desperately needed some down time from our crazy lives.  We drove to beautiful Charlottesville on Friday afternoon and arrived in time to have dinner.  For those of you that have not visited that area of the world- you are missing out.  The town of Charlottesville and the surrounding areas are absolutely stunning.  We stayed at the Inn at Darden http://www.innatdarden.com/, which is a lovely hotel on the campus of the Universiy of Virginia.  It was clean, quiet, affordable, and the staff there could not have been nicer.

After checking in, we began looking around for a place to have dinner.  Luckily, we stumbled upon a gem called Orzo Kitchen and Wine Bar http://orzokitchen.com/.  They specialize in dishes that use locally grown ingredients...and it was yummy!  My husband had a delicious Caesar salad and a steak.  I had bruschetta with prosciutto and tomato, and a wonderful roasted chicken. It was a great way to start our weekend.

On Saturday, we decided to tour a few of the local vineyards around Charlottesville http://www.monticellowinetrail.com/.  I would like to tell you about a few of our favorites:

-Barboursville Vineyards http://www.barboursvillewine.net/winery/:  This is the home of the 1804 Inn and the renowned restaurant, Palladio.  It also happens to also be the site of the Barboursville ruins, the former mansion of Virginia governor, James Barbour.  The home burned to the ground on Christmas Day of 1884-  only the brick skeleton of the home remains.  Although this was our first stop of the morning for wine tasting (don't judge but yes, drank wine at 10am), their wines were good.

-Pippin Hill Farm and Vineyards http://www.pippinhillfarm.com/: This is my personal favorite.  It's a small vineyard with delicious wines and an outstanding restaurant.  They have a lovely patio that overlooks a beautiful view of Virginia wine country.  We found their Cabernet Sauvignon to be excellent.  We sat out on the patio, shared a good bottle of wine and a delicious tapas plate which included crispy bread, Cabrales blue cheese, Marcona almonds, olives, Manchego cheese, date & brown butter jam, and the most delicious chorizo made by a place called Olli Salumeria http://www.olli.com/.  Yummy!  The chorizo was so good, we brought some home with us.

-King Family Vineyards http://www.kingfamilyvineyards.com/: This is a vineyard and horse farm in beautiful Crozet, Virginia.  During the summer months, the vineyard hosts polo matches!  Their Meritage is great.  It's a nice place to sit and enjoy the view.  When we were there, they happened to have a bus full of UVA fraternity and sorority members visiting.  Lots of tipsy college kids-- good entertainment value.  It also reminded me of how happy I am to be out of college!

-Jefferson Vineyards http://jeffersonvineyards.com/:  Good wines and interesting history.  Located near Monticello.

-Blenheim Vineyards http://blenheimvineyards.com/: Owned by the great Dave Matthews.  Beautiful wine tasting facility and good, solid wines.

-Trump Winery http://trumpwinery.com/:  Yeah, I know what you are thinking.  I thought that too.  We ended up going to Trump only because it's right down the road from Blenheim Vineyards.  We were actually very pleasantly surprised.  Lovely wine tasting facility and excellent wines.  You can also eat there- we didn't, but the food looked delicious.

-Pollack Vineyards http://www.pollakvineyards.com/:  Beautiful vineyard with good wines.  The surrounding views are wonderful!

That evening, we had a wonderful dinner at a very small Italian restaurant in the Belmont area of Charlottesville called Tavola http://tavolavino.com/.  My linguini alla carbonara was excellent and was made with panchetta from Olli Salumeria.  One word of warning....this place doesn't take reservations and is TINY.  Go early or late...and still expect to wait a little while.  It's totally worth it.  

On Sunday morning, we ate brunch at a great place called The Nook http://www.thenookcville.com/.  It's located within the downtown historic mall area of Charlottesville http://www.downtowncharlottesville.net/.  I had a delicious mimosa and a plate of eggs, toast, crispy bacon and homemade potatoes.  Mmm mmm.

After having brunch, our last stop was the former home of Thomas Jefferson, Monticello http://www.monticello.org/.  I would recommend calling for a reservation before you go, if you can.  It will make your life a little easier.  The welcome center is at the bottom of the hill and has a nice cafe, museum store and museum.  They also have a short film about the life of Thomas Jefferson that is included in your admission price.  A shuttle bus will take you up the hill to Monticello for your scheduled tour of the home.  You can also walk around the grounds to see the gardens and former slave dwellings.  In the back of the property is the family cemetery that is the burial ground of Thomas Jefferson and his decendents.  It's a great way to spend a pretty afternoon.  I would recommend going in the spring, if you can, when the gardens will be at their best.  

Once we left Monticello, we made our way home.  I hope we can go back to Virginia again soon.  It was a great, brief respite from the craziness...a chance to recharge our batteries and just be a couple of (still) newlyweds. 

The devil in your pocket

I need to confess something.  I dearly love my iPhone.  I'm embarrased to admit it, but it's true.  Over time, it has become my constant companion...to the point that I feel naked without it.  It keeps up with my four email accounts, my three calendars, my hundreds of pictures, my complete iTunes collection of music, all of my lists and reminders for work, and the names/numbers/addresses of everyone I know.  It allows me to read a good book, find out what the weather will be next Tuesday, discover what time it is in Bangkok, obtain the news from 100 different news sources, play Candy Crush when I'm bored, text my husband at random times just to say "I love you" and chat with my parents who live four hours away via FaceTime.  It is an amazing piece of technology.   In fact, I keep an iPhone charger in my office at work and a portable charger in my pocket, just in case my battery runs low during the day.  Can't do without it.  I'm not proud of my addiction, but there it is.  Luckily, my husband has a similar affliction and hasn't staged an intervention to insist that I join a 12 step program.

Having said this, my husband and I have recently discovered that the beloved iPhone can, in the wrong hands, be a portal to bad behavior and exposure to a wealth of inappropriate things.  Our oldest child was given an iPhone six months ago as a reward for his good grades.  Maybe we were naive, or just plain stupid.  I don't know.  We truly had no idea the Pandora's box we were opening up for ourselves and our barely 13 year-old son.  We thought we were doing a good thing...and he was THRILLED!  The iPhone means love and sunshine, right??  So why not share the love?  Yeah- I know what you are thinking: this chick and her husband are clueless....and, you would be right.  We were totally clueless.  We made a major mistake by not researching all of the different facets of the phone and its cornucopia of downloadable applications prior to giving it to our child.  I won't go into details...but suffice it to say that we had a surprise in store for us when we had the opportunity to go through his iPhone and see what he had been up to.  

Applications such as Instagram, Kik, SnapChat, Vine, Ask.fm, Pandora, Twitter are fun, harmless applications in the hands of responsible adults with good intentions.  In the hands of a young teenager who has no concept of danger and an over-abundance of hormones...these apps have the potential to be used in ways that no parent would like or promote.  We had installed parental controls on our son's iPhone...and it was laughable how little that did.  

If your child has a smart phone, then be smart about it.  Learn about all the social apps that kids are using now. Consider putting appropriate limits on their use of the phone and on their ability to download certain applications.  I know not every parent would feel comfortable monitoring their child's phone due to privacy concerns.  For us, we would rather be guilty of a small invasion of privacy, and subsequently keep our child from something harmful.  That's a trade off I will take every day of the week.  

An object that my husband and I truly love...turned into an evil thing for our sweet son.  A wake-up call that something you believe you know all about...can still have its secrets and dark sides.  I never imagined an iPhone could cause so much trouble.  The devil that was in his pocket is now sitting on a shelf in our closet with its service turned off.  

It takes a village

So, as our kids are getting bigger (they are now 8, 10 and 13), their extra-curricular activities are becoming more time-consuming.  Both of the boys are involved in scouting.  Our oldest is a Boy Scout and our middle child is getting ready to go from a Webelo to a Boy Scout next year.  They have lots of camping trips and hiking adventures- which is a great way for them to spend special time with their dad.  The boys are also both members of a competitive basketball league that will allow them to increase their skill level and play in 7-9 regional or national tournaments.  As they are 3 years apart, they are on different teams within the same league, so that means different games and tournaments for each boy.  Our daughter is involved in ballet and is part of her studio's production of the Nutcracker this Christmas.  She also just began English horseback riding lessons and is learning the basics of dressage.  As you can imagine, all of these activities, plus school work, can be a lot for the kids...and for us.

My husband and I both have full-time careers.  The kids' mother also works full time.  I'm not sure how "normal" families with two parents swing it.  We have trouble juggling all of our commitments in our "new normal" family with three parents (my husband, me and the kids' mother).  Our afternoons and weekends look a lot like a Chinese fire drill...with all of us going in different directions.  Sometimes, we just can't do it all...and that's ok.

My husband's parents moved from their long-time home in a near-by town to our community last year.  They are wonderful about helping us shuttle the kids around to their activities, especially if one of us gets stuck at work.  They also babysit for us on occasion if the kids have an early release from school.   They have been a true blessing for us and the kiddos.  We also enjoy just having them closer.  It's nice to be able to have dinner with them, or spend a Sunday afternoon at their house.  We would not be able to have this time with them if they hadn't moved.

My in-laws also had another reason to move closer.  My father-in-law has Parkinson's Disease.  He has been living with this condition for a long time... and has shown us all the meaning of courage and determination.  As his disease has progressed, his ability to do the things he loves (such as going to football games and playing golf) has slowly diminished.  He is also starting to become easily confused with things that involve short-term memory.  This has been a hard thing to watch...for us all.  My husband misses the experienced, insightful father that used to have good advice for every situation... a man that could fill a conversation with wit, humor and intelligence.  My mother-in-law misses the husband that was her life partner, golf partner and dinner companion.  Although he is still there, he is not the same person...and she grieves that loss a little more every day.  Every once in a while, my lovely father-in-law will show us a flash of his former self...through a little joke or a mischievous smile.  These flashes are becoming less frequent with time, so they are even more precious when they occur.  My husband and I help my mother-in-law as much as we can, so that she can have a break from the stress of being a caregiver.

Even though my husband, I and the kids are a family of 5...we are really more than that.   The boundaries of our family unit also include my parents, my brother, my in-laws... and even the kids' mother.   We all work together to take care of each other. We could not do it alone. We all have our burdens and blessings...and we lean on each other for support, love and an occasional laugh.  Our family isn't perfect of course, but what family is? Families are made up of flawed individuals...like me. The old saying is true...it does take a village.  Our little imperfect village has a lot on its plate, but luckily we have each other to help lighten the load.

https://www.michaeljfox.org/

A good egg?

Following our pregnancy loss, we attempted to conceive again. Initially, we continued to try the old fashioned way with a little help from ovulation predictor kits.  No luck.  So, we added a touch of Femara at the beginning of my cycles, under the guidance of my ob/gyn.  No luck.  Then we added vaginal progesterone after ovulation, hoping to correct any luteal phase issues I may have due to my age.  Still nothing.  After about a year of all this, we decided to bite the bullet and seek help from an infertility specialist.  I could hear my biological clock ticking loudly in my ears and knew we needed to get going.

The specialist was kind...and honest.  Gave us all of the statistics for women of my age.  By my labwork, he could tell that my egg quality wasn't awesome, but he was willing to give it a full effort.  I was excited and really believed that we would conceive with some help.  Anyway...we had just conceived a year before this...shouldn't be too hard, right?  All we needed was a little assistance.  Maybe we just weren't timing things well on our own.  Now our efforts would be planned and monitored.  Great.  Not very romantic, but we were willing to go through the "fun" of fertility treatments if it meant we could have a child.

The first cycle of "fun" was Clomid.  I sat down with the nurse and learned all of the potential side effects...moodiness, hyperstimulation, too many eggs, etc.  I was scared, but what options did we have?  I began the Clomid as instructed and went in for my first ultrasound.  Just one small follicle?  Seriously?  That's it?  The physician said not to worry...this is just our first cycle...we have a lot more we can do.  I ended up ovulating on my own before they could even give me an HCG trigger to make me ovulate at the right time.  Ugh.  On to the next.

The second cycle was high dose Clomid.   Insert the above paragraph again here.  Same crappy thing happened.  One egg...ovulated too early.  Ugh.  We realized this wasn't going to be as easy as we had hoped.

For my third cycle, they decided to start me on injectable medications.  Ok! We are getting the big guns now!  I am going to produce a bunch of eggs!  So many that we won't know what to do with them all!  Umm.. yeah.  Not so much.  I produced my one, lonely egg.  They didn't feel that one egg was sufficient to justify performing an IUI (intrauterine insemination) so we were told to "try on our own" at home with ovulation predictor kits.  My physician said this recommendation with a look of kind pity on his face.  I was beginning to get the picture.

With my last cycle, they increased my injectible medication to a "large" dose.   They also added another medication to prevent me from ovulating early.  By now, I'm sure you are starting to see the writing on the wall as I was.  One egg only.  They had difficulty preventing me from ovulating on my own. On cycle day 10, they determined I was in the middle of ovulating by some blood work I had drawn that morning.  They called me at work and told me to come right away for an IUI.  I knew that they previously had not wanted to perform an IUI with only one egg.  I realized they were giving me a "Hail Mary" chance with this cycle...because they saw the writing on the wall too.  This wasn't working the way it should.  My sweet husband came running over to the doctor's office to "deposit" his contribution to the effort and I underwent the IUI.  No luck.

The next month, my infertility specialist asked that my husband and I come in to talk about next steps.  I knew what that meant.  We were going to get the "we've-tried-all-we-can-do-with-your-bad-eggs-and-it's-not-working" talk.  And, indeed that's what we got... although it was said a little nicer and with a lot of sympathy.  My physician said I wasn't a candidate for IVF due to my poor egg quality.  He talked about donor eggs and embryo adoption....ugh.  My head was spinning.  The whole point of this thing was that I wanted a baby with my husband.  One that was part me (with my stubbornness and love of bubble baths) and part him (with his sense of humor and OCD tendencies).  That's what I wanted.  My husband's sperm fertilizing someone else's egg or adopting an embryo that wasn't genetically connected to either of us was not the picture I had in mind at all.

No.  Unfair.  Why us?  Those words came back to me again as they did after my miscarriage...like a bad friend that won't get out of your life.  A friend that doesn't do you any favors.  I knew that feeling sorry for myself would get me nowhere.  I'm not the only person in the world that has been through this kind of thing....surely there are hundreds just in my community alone.  I'm not special.  I'm just a girl with a lot of blessings in her life...more than I deserve...that is unable to have a baby of her own.  Big deal.  So, be happy with what you have.  Suck it up, girl.   Sounds easier than it is.

Grieving the loss of fertility and the loss of a future pregnancy is not for the faint of heart.  It is devastating and life-changing.  How do you come to terms with the fact that you will never have a child?  How do you find the strength to say goodbye to someone that you never had the opportunity to meet and love?

What no one tells you is....dealing with your own infertility while being a stepmom is hard.  I mean, really hard.  Let me be clear:  I love my stepchildren with all of my heart and would do anything in the world for them--without a doubt.  But struggling with the inability to have your own child while taking care of someone else's children is not always easy.  It is a reminder of what I will never have.  I will never hear someone call me "mom."  I will never have that kind of bond with a child.  When I am around the kids' mother, I am reminded that she has shared something with my husband that I will never share with him.  She was able to give him three beautiful, healthy kids...I can't give him one.  She has that precious connection with him that I will never have.  That is a hard thing to live with.

Of course, all of this is absolutely no one's fault.  It is what it is.  I'm lucky to have my sweet stepchildren.  They have no idea I am going through this struggle, and they shouldn't.  They have had enough upheaval and adjustments in their life.  They don't need to know about my drama.  Also, it's not my husband's fault.  He has done everything I have asked of him, and then some.  He can't help the fact that I am now 42 and my eggs suck.  All of this is out of his control, as it is mine.   And the kids' mother can't help that she was blessed with having three children.  I can't hold that against her.  I'm sure I have a lot of blessings in my life that she doesn't.  And...again I'm reminded that life isn't always fair.  It's just life.

My husband and I are still dealing with these issues and decisions now.  It's not easy and the conversations are hard.  But, with love and faith...I am hopeful that as this door starts to close, a window will open somewhere.

http://www.resolve.org/