My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. Our children are now 14, 11 and 9 years of age. Our youngest (the girl) started at a very challenging public charter school this year after being one of the few but fortunate students to obtain admission from a blind lottery process. Our two oldest (the boys) started a christian private school this year that is also very challenging. These new schools have presented our family with a higher level of time commitment for studying and doing homework beyond what we have ever experienced previously. It's been a big reality check. Our kids have always been good students, but our oldest has struggled with grammar and writing since he was little. We've discovered how truly far behind he is this year and have had to really buckle down to help him begin to catch-up with his peers. We've even hired an English tutor to help.
In addition to his school work, our oldest is also very involved in Boy Scouts and will obtain his Eagle Scout within the next 2 years. He's also on the middle school basketball team. He has basketball practice every day after school and 2-3 games weekly. Our middle child is also very involved in Boy Scouts, is taking weekly trumpet lessons and plays on a community league basketball team. He has basketball practice 2-3 days a week and has 1 game weekly. Our youngest is involved in her school choir and drama club and has English horseback riding lessons weekly.
While all of this is going on, my sweet father-in-law continues his fight with Parkinson's disease. A few months ago, he had a bad fall on his driveway at home. He was walking and began to fall forward, but did not have the ability to stop himself. He fell face first onto the concrete and fractured several bones in his face. He also suffered a skull fracture. After a few weeks of recovery in the hospital, he was discharged home with 24/7 home nursing assistance. Over time however, we realized that he needed more care than we were able to give him and he is now living within a very nice assisted-living facility. My mother-in-law spends several hours a day with him there and also takes him out in the car for little excursions almost daily. My husband, myself and the kids visit him as often as we can. It has been a tough transition for the whole family.
Over the last 12 months, I've also tried to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a biological child of my own. I've had two miscarriages. I'm now 43 years old...soon to be 44. My husband and I are very conflicted about using donor eggs for lots of reasons, but even if we went that route...it would be extraordinarily expensive. With everything else going on in our lives, I'm not sure I want to put that extra burden on my family. It is what it is. I just pray that God will give me peace about it.
Being part of a stepfamily is such a gift and a blessing in so many ways. I love my husband and my wonderful stepkiddos more than I ever thought possible. But, marrying a man with children is also a very challenging road to take. As a stepmother, there are many things that will impact your life of which you have absolutely zero control. This fact is not going to change....ever.
As a stepmother, you are occasionally the odd-man out. Your kids and husband may not automatically think of you on Mother's Day. The activities that fill up your free time may not always be of your choosing. Your lovely date night with your husband may occasionally be interrupted by a text or call from the ex-wife to discuss something child-related. You may not be invited to every parent-teacher conference. Your opinion will not always make a difference when there's a decision to be made about the children. There will be times when you feel overwhelmed, frustrated and sad. This is completely normal....and you are not alone. There are many, many women that can relate.
I try to talk to my husband openly and honestly when I'm struggling with these kind of emotions. It may not be things he wants to hear or even things he can "fix" for me, but it's important for him to know. It makes me feel validated and understood, when he just listens to me vent. It's also important that we take time to just be a couple and remember why we got married in the first place. That can get easily lost in the shuffle when your life is often a Chinese fire drill of work, school and kid activities.
When you are in a stepfamily, it is important to occasionally pause and take a breath... and do the things you need to do to take care of yourself and your marriage. Then, smile and jump back in the pool.
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