The big squeeze

Ok...all you gals out there 40 and over:  you will understand this when I say...I hate getting mammograms.  I understand how important they are and I will continue to get them annually...but I do not enjoy it.  Who really does?  Who wants to get their boobies squished between two plastic torture devices over and over again? 

The first year I had one, it was no big deal.  I went in, got it done and we (me and my boobies) left after 20 minutes.  A week later, I received a letter saying everything looked good and to come back in a year.  No big deal.  This is easy.  What's all the fuss about?  Yeah...right. 

Last year, it wasn't that easy.  I went in for my mammogram and the technician kept a serious look on her face.  She was initially talkative, then got quiet.  This made me a little nervous, but she let me leave without doing anything additional...so I thought I was in the clear.  Two weeks later, I received a phone call on a Friday afternoon saying that they had found a 2 cm "mass" in my left breast and that I needed to come back in for additional views.  Huh?!?  A 2 cm mass?!?  WTF.  That's huge!  I started freaking out.  To make matters worse, they didn't have an appointment for another 1-2 weeks.  There was absolutely no way I was going to wait that long.  My sweet ob/gyn physician had received my mammogram report at his office that day and was kind enough to call me at home.  He assured me that he would make sure I was seen on Monday at the local, excellent breast center at the private hospital in town. 

Needless to say, I spent all weekend trying not to imagine going through a mastectomy and chemotherapy.  Tried not to think about finding a wonderful life with my husband and stepchildren, only to get sick and leave them a few years later.  Tried not to think about how scared I was.

The following Monday I went through a diagnostic mammogram...which is typically more uncomfortable than a screening mammogram.  They tend to squish your boobies a little more tightly.  The technician was kind and smiled...she said "well, that mass is still there.  You are going to need an ultrasound, sweetheart."  She sat me in a special little waiting room with other women that were waiting...women just like me that had little gowns on...women that were scared and unsure.  We all looked at each other with tentative smiles.  We were all in the same boat.  Some younger, some older than me.  Didn't matter.  The fear doesn't change. 

They finally called my name and I went in for my ultrasound.  The ultrasound technician began to ask me about my family history.  "No...no history of breast or ovarian cancer.  No...I don't drink caffeine." Then she asked if my mom had a history of fibrocystic breast disease.  I said..."yes, she does."  My mother gets called back for additional views after her mammograms almost every year.  She has very dense, cystic breasts and always gets that phone call to come back in.  The ultrasound technician smiled and said "Ah, like mother...like daughter."  Her smile told me that everything was going to be ok.  Thank the good Lord.  The radiologist came in and explained that I had a cyst in my breast.  No need to do anything else.  No need to aspirate it, as it wasn't causing me any problems and would most likely come back anyways.  I could just come back in a year. 

I cannot tell you the relief and jubilation I felt.  I had convinced myself that I had breast cancer...that I had been given too many blessings.  My life was just too good.  Karma had to come around and bite me in the butt eventually.  This was going to be my equalizer.  But, it wasn't.  I received a pass.  I was so grateful.

So, when it came around again this year to have a mammogram...I was dreading it.  I went ahead and scheduled the appointment...didn't put it off.  What's the point?  Have to get it done eventually...better to get it over with now.  I went in for the mammogram and the technician was very positive.  No serious looks... she was quite chatty and humorous.  I thought-- great!  No problem this year!  Yeah...not so fast.

3 days later I received that call I was dreading.  I now have a 3 cm mass in my left breast.  Great.  The nurse that called made it sound like a new, different mass from the last time.  She called it "a new density."  Well, crap.  That doesn't sound like a cyst.  Ugh.

A few days later, I went in for my diagnostic mammogram.  The technician completed the exam and went to go speak with the radiologist.  She quickly came back, and told me that I would need an ultrasound.  No surprise...been there, done that...got the t-shirt.  Just didn't want to go through all of this again.  Crap.

I was quickly taken back for my second ultrasound in 2 years.  The ultrasound technician quickly showed me how that same cyst had grown slightly, which accounted for the change in my exam.  Nothing suspicious was seen.  No unusual densities, calcifications or malignant-appearing masses.  My breasts are just fibrocystic.  Great.  I can't get my ovaries to ovulate correctly...but I can sure make big ole cysts in my breasts.  That figures.

Once again though, I felt gratitude and relief.  So, I can't have a baby.  At least I'm healthy and don't have breast cancer.  Thank you, Jesus.  There's nothing like a health scare to put things in perspective.  Maybe I'm not meant to have a baby for reasons I don't know... and can't understand.  Maybe God is looking out for me and I don't even realize it.  Who knows. 

I just have to have faith and put everything in God's hands.  He's never left me alone and always has my back.  The path He's laid out for me has been a good one so far.  I just have to stop thinking about what I want but don't have...and focus on all the blessings that have been given to me. 

This is my prayer.