A bump in the road

Once we became somewhat settled in our new lives together, my husband and I began to work on conceiving a child.  To be honest, he wasn't all that excited about the idea initially.  We talked about it when we were dating, and at first he felt completely content with what he had...and didn't really want to go through all of that again.  I couldn't blame him.  He had his hands full as a single dad of three and I'm sure the thought of a newborn baby made him break out into a cold sweat.  I got that completely.  But, I had no children of my own and very much wanted to have that experience with him, if we could.  After a lot of thought and discussion, we agreed that we would try.

To my surprise, I had a positive pregnancy test 8 months after we married.  I truly thought that it would take longer, and that I may have to see an infertility specialist (because of my age).  We were thrilled, but a little scared.  I had suffered a miscarriage during my first marriage and I was worried that it could happen to me again.  We kept the pregnancy a secret from most of the people in our lives (including the children) until we knew everything was ok.  I was extremely nervous.

Things were going great until about 9 weeks gestation.  I was on an out-of-town trip for work and I began spotting.  It wasn't much and it wasn't consistent, but I was scared.  When I arrived home, I went to my obstetrican and had an ultrasound.  To my relief, the fetus was the appropriate size and had a good heart beat.  I kicked myself for over-reacting.  Silly, silly girl.  Everything is fine.  The spotting continued off and on for a few weeks, then stopped abruptly.  I was relieved.  Surely this means my pregnancy is progressing well...?  At my next visit with the obstetrician at 11 weeks gestation, they performed another ultrasound.  I knew immediately what I didn't want to believe.  No heart beat.  Our baby was gone.  I looked over at my husband, who didn't realize what was going on, and shook my head.  No.  No baby.  No pregnancy.  No.  Please God, please make this not be true.  Not another loss.  Please.  No.

I couldn't let my emotions out until we arrived home.  My sweet husband put his arms around me and I cried for what seemed like an eternity.  I was scheduled for a D&C (dilation and curretage) the next morning.  When we arrived at the hospital, my preoperative nurse reviewed my chart and kindly reminded me that I had undergone a D&C for my previous pregnancy loss 15 years ago at that same hospital.  Yeah...thanks.  I remember.  Ugh.

One thing I loved about being pregnant, was the absolute joy and hope you experience every day... at least that's how I felt.  I was so grateful and happy to be pregnant.  Once my procedure was over and I was home recovering, I felt so empty.  So sad and empty.  It's hard to understand how that truly feels unless you've had a pregnancy loss.  I tried to pick myself up and get on with my life.  I had a career, husband and three kids that depended on me.  I couldn't crawl in a cave and grieve forever, even though that's what I truly wanted to do.

We had decided, at the time of my D&C, to perform genetic studies on the baby. We were notified a few weeks later that it had been a girl and that she had a genetic disorder called triploidy.  Triploidy is not compatible with life and is not related to the age of a mother.  It's a random, spontaneous occurrence.  A stupid lightening strike.  

This news did give us a little comfort, however.  Our child did not suffer and we, as her parents, did not have a difficult decision placed upon us.  God made that decision for us and took her.  For this, I'm grateful... But I didn't understand why this happened at all. Why us? Why our child?  Not fair.  But, life isn't fair- no one ever promised it would be.  Unfair things happen to good people every day.  Why should we be any different?

My husband and I depended on each other and our faith to get through that tough time.  We were hopeful in the fact that I was able to conceive without help...at the age of 41.  Yay team!  We just assumed it would be a matter of time before we conceived again.  Little did we know.

A new life

After the wedding, my husband and I bought a new home and began adjusting to the routine of 50/50 joint custody.  The kids are with us every Monday and Wednesday night...and every other weekend.  Although this schedule means a lot of back and forth, it does allow the children to spend a good amount of time with each parent during the week.  As an extra bonus, it allows my husband and I the opportunity to have an occasional date night without the kids...which is important when you are adjusting to a new marriage and a new blended family.  I will give my husband props-- he does a great job in making sure we have quality couple time together.  In that first year, I think I may have lost my sanity without those date nights.   Going from a single, career-minded gal to a wife with three stepchildren is a big ole' jump...for even the most easy-going of women.  Every person that goes through that kind of change will have issues and challenges.  I don't care who you are or how much yoga you do.  It is what it is.  All you can hope for is a very patient, understanding husband and stepchildren that are sweet, loving and well-adjusted.  Thankfully, I have all of the above.  But...that doesn't mean we haven't had our challenges...and I chuckle as I type this sentence.  We have our challenges every week.

My first personal challenge was adjusting to the presence of the ex-wife/kids' mother.  To give her credit, she has always been polite and respectful to me when we are together.  She never has spoken badly of me in front of the children...and of course, I have returned that favor.  Now don't miss understand--my husband and I have had issues with her over typical things such as money and schedules...but we have made a concerted effort to get along for the children's sake.  I allow my husband to do all of the communicating with her regarding the children.  In general, she and I do not text, email or call each other about anything.  Occasionally, I will send her a picture of the kids if they are doing something neat...but that's it.  I think it works better for all parties when the communicating is between the two parents and doesn't involve the stepmom.  Now the three of us (my husband, myself and the ex) are certainly not all sunshine and roses together...but as far as the kids know, we are.  We all go to the kids' activities and sit together as a family...albeit a strange and slightly uncomfortable one.

When I married my husband, I made a very deliberate effort to not step on the toes of the kids' mother.  I understand my role in this family as the stepmom- I am an adult that the kids should respect and mind...an adult they can also have fun with and confide in...but I am not their mother.   And...I will never be their mother.  They call me by my first name...not "mom." I would never ask that of them, and I shouldn't.  No matter how many lunches I pack, cupcakes I make, boo-boo's I kiss, arguments I referee...they aren't mine. This has been the hardest adjustment...and is still difficult to this day.  More on that later.

As I have tried to make friends in my new community, I have discovered that being the "new wife" and the "new stepmom" can be a barrier sometimes.  A few individuals that have never really met me and don't know me...just dislike me on principle and will give me the stink-eye whenever I see them.  Maybe because they are friends with the ex...or maybe they are just uncomfortable with the role I represent.  Who knows.  For someone like me, who has always tried to be friendly and kind to everyone, this came as a surprise.   I will say that the majority of the people in our little community that are friends with the ex have been very supportive and nice to me.  For this I am thankful.  I am hesitant, however, to share too many details of my life with these folks for obvious reasons.  I am no dummy.  No matter how well you get along with the ex, you don't need mutual friends sharing information that you would rather keep private.

Ah...privacy.  Yet another adjustment in my new life as a stepmom.  No matter how much you love your stepchildren...and I love mine to the moon and back....they will share anything and everything with their mom.  Whatever happens when they are around is fair game.  Kids have no filter and no concept that certain things said/done in one home should not be mentioned in the other home.  And to be fair...my husband and I have heard plenty of things from the kids about the ex that she probably wishes could've been kept private too.  Kids are equal opportunity blabbers.  It is what it is.  You can't explain the concept of privacy to a 6 year old.  Just doesn't work.  I know as the kids get older this will most likely get better.... but I'm not holding out too many hopes.

Stepmoms also have a peculiar position when it comes to disciplining the children.  If they are with me and their dad isn't around, I discipline them based on the rules that their dad and I have established in our home.  Otherwise, I let their dad handle any and all discipline.  I am there to be supportive of my husband and to referee when needed...but I do not hand out the punishments on a normal day.  Deciding rules and punishments in a household is another challenging, and sometimes sticky, endeavor.  Our rules and beliefs do not always reflect those of their mom.  We have different perspectives on occasions, but it is important to be as consistent as you can between the two households.  There have been times when their mom has had an opinion on a punishment that I did not agree with....and I have had to step aside and just be supportive of my husband.  Not always the easiest thing to bite your tongue, when these kinds of decisions impact your life...but that is the way it is sometimes.

I think the most important thing we had to do in that first year was establish routines and traditions as a new family...but also respect the old traditions from before as best we could.  This was the "new normal" for all of us...and adjustments had to be made by everyone.  This is a process that is ongoing and fluid to this day.

And it began...

After dating for two months, I was blessed with the opportunity to meet the kids.  I was introduced as "Dad's friend" and I was immediately charmed by all three kiddos.  The youngest (girl) was four, the middle (boy) was six and the oldest (boy) was nine.  The oldest was the first to talk to me...which I will always appreciate.  His ability to talk with and smile at this woman that he had never met before gave the other two younger ones the green light to like me as well.  That set the tone of the beginnings of our relationship.

Initially after that first meeting, my future husband and I were very careful around the children.  I was his friend....and we took care to slowly integrate my presence into their lives.  At the same time, we tried to make sure the kids had plenty of alone time with their dad.  I was not there very often at first...and then I would occasionally go with them to the movies, dinner, etc.  Over a span of several months, their dad and I began to be a little bit more affectionate in front of and around the children (holding hands, etc) once we knew they were completely comfortable with me.  It took a lot of time and care to make sure the kids were happy and secure with our relationship.  It was hard, but I am so glad we did it that way.  It made all of the difference, I believe.

After dating for almost a year, my future husband sat the kids down and asked their permission to propose to me.  (Of course, I had no idea this was going on).  Thankfully, the children were thrilled and gave their full blessing.  He ended up proposing to me a few days later in a very simple, sweet way...which is reflective of our relationship.  No drama and no fuss, but a lot of love.  We were married eight months later in a small wedding ceremony.  We only had 15 guests (immediate family and a few close friends).  My stepdaughter was my maid-of-honor and stood next to me during the ceremony.  Our middle child was the groomsman and our oldest child was the best man.  Like the proposal and like our relationship, the wedding was simple and beautiful.  I had prepared a small vow that I said to the children during the wedding- promising that I would always be there for them and that I would always support their relationship with their dad...and their mom.  It was a beautiful day and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.  I finally found and married the man of my dreams...and was given the additional blessing of being in the lives of his children.  Four blessings added to my life in one day.  Wow. 

Then the real adventure began...

Well, here goes nothing...

This is a blog by a woman who happened to find her soulmate at the age of 38.  He is actually someone that grew up in my neighborhood and went to my high school.  We were friends back then...never dated.  We reconnected four years ago after I moved back to our home state.  I had gotten married briefly in my 20's after college, but divorced after three years.  I had spent the last ten years going to graduate school and working on my career.  He had recently gone through a divorce and was a single dad to three kiddos. 

When he and I began dating, no one was more surprised than the two of us.  We were both bruised, tired and certain that we would never find life-long love.  Our first date wasn't really a first date at all.  We had connected on facebook and had decided to meet for dinner to catch up.  It was supposed to be just a friendly reunion, but as I was sitting there looking at him....listening to him speak...I thought:  "Wow.  This guy is sweet, funny, thoughtful, handsome...why didn't I notice that in high school"?

After a week of talking and sending texts, we decided to have dinner again.  When he came to pick me up at my home, he walked in...grabbed me...and gave me the most romantic kiss of my life.  And there it began.

At first, the thought of dating a man with three young kids was frightening.  I didn't have children of my own and never really spent a lot of time around children.  How would this work?  Would I suck at it?  Would the kids hate me for some reason? I decided to not worry about all of that in the beginning.  Eventually, if I was lucky, I would meet the kids.  For time being, I would focus on my new love...