After the wedding, my husband and I bought a new home and began adjusting to the routine of 50/50 joint custody. The kids are with us every Monday and Wednesday night...and every other weekend. Although this schedule means a lot of back and forth, it does allow the children to spend a good amount of time with each parent during the week. As an extra bonus, it allows my husband and I the opportunity to have an occasional date night without the kids...which is important when you are adjusting to a new marriage and a new blended family. I will give my husband props-- he does a great job in making sure we have quality couple time together. In that first year, I think I may have lost my sanity without those date nights. Going from a single, career-minded gal to a wife with three stepchildren is a big ole' jump...for even the most easy-going of women. Every person that goes through that kind of change will have issues and challenges. I don't care who you are or how much yoga you do. It is what it is. All you can hope for is a very patient, understanding husband and stepchildren that are sweet, loving and well-adjusted. Thankfully, I have all of the above. But...that doesn't mean we haven't had our challenges...and I chuckle as I type this sentence. We have our challenges every week.
My first personal challenge was adjusting to the presence of the ex-wife/kids' mother. To give her credit, she has always been polite and respectful to me when we are together. She never has spoken badly of me in front of the children...and of course, I have returned that favor. Now don't miss understand--my husband and I have had issues with her over typical things such as money and schedules...but we have made a concerted effort to get along for the children's sake. I allow my husband to do all of the communicating with her regarding the children. In general, she and I do not text, email or call each other about anything. Occasionally, I will send her a picture of the kids if they are doing something neat...but that's it. I think it works better for all parties when the communicating is between the two parents and doesn't involve the stepmom. Now the three of us (my husband, myself and the ex) are certainly not all sunshine and roses together...but as far as the kids know, we are. We all go to the kids' activities and sit together as a family...albeit a strange and slightly uncomfortable one.
When I married my husband, I made a very deliberate effort to not step on the toes of the kids' mother. I understand my role in this family as the stepmom- I am an adult that the kids should respect and mind...an adult they can also have fun with and confide in...but I am not their mother. And...I will never be their mother. They call me by my first name...not "mom." I would never ask that of them, and I shouldn't. No matter how many lunches I pack, cupcakes I make, boo-boo's I kiss, arguments I referee...they aren't mine. This has been the hardest adjustment...and is still difficult to this day. More on that later.
As I have tried to make friends in my new community, I have discovered that being the "new wife" and the "new stepmom" can be a barrier sometimes. A few individuals that have never really met me and don't know me...just dislike me on principle and will give me the stink-eye whenever I see them. Maybe because they are friends with the ex...or maybe they are just uncomfortable with the role I represent. Who knows. For someone like me, who has always tried to be friendly and kind to everyone, this came as a surprise. I will say that the majority of the people in our little community that are friends with the ex have been very supportive and nice to me. For this I am thankful. I am hesitant, however, to share too many details of my life with these folks for obvious reasons. I am no dummy. No matter how well you get along with the ex, you don't need mutual friends sharing information that you would rather keep private.
Ah...privacy. Yet another adjustment in my new life as a stepmom. No matter how much you love your stepchildren...and I love mine to the moon and back....they will share anything and everything with their mom. Whatever happens when they are around is fair game. Kids have no filter and no concept that certain things said/done in one home should not be mentioned in the other home. And to be fair...my husband and I have heard plenty of things from the kids about the ex that she probably wishes could've been kept private too. Kids are equal opportunity blabbers. It is what it is. You can't explain the concept of privacy to a 6 year old. Just doesn't work. I know as the kids get older this will most likely get better.... but I'm not holding out too many hopes.
Stepmoms also have a peculiar position when it comes to disciplining the children. If they are with me and their dad isn't around, I discipline them based on the rules that their dad and I have established in our home. Otherwise, I let their dad handle any and all discipline. I am there to be supportive of my husband and to referee when needed...but I do not hand out the punishments on a normal day. Deciding rules and punishments in a household is another challenging, and sometimes sticky, endeavor. Our rules and beliefs do not always reflect those of their mom. We have different perspectives on occasions, but it is important to be as consistent as you can between the two households. There have been times when their mom has had an opinion on a punishment that I did not agree with....and I have had to step aside and just be supportive of my husband. Not always the easiest thing to bite your tongue, when these kinds of decisions impact your life...but that is the way it is sometimes.
I think the most important thing we had to do in that first year was establish routines and traditions as a new family...but also respect the old traditions from before as best we could. This was the "new normal" for all of us...and adjustments had to be made by everyone. This is a process that is ongoing and fluid to this day.
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