A bump in the road

Once we became somewhat settled in our new lives together, my husband and I began to work on conceiving a child.  To be honest, he wasn't all that excited about the idea initially.  We talked about it when we were dating, and at first he felt completely content with what he had...and didn't really want to go through all of that again.  I couldn't blame him.  He had his hands full as a single dad of three and I'm sure the thought of a newborn baby made him break out into a cold sweat.  I got that completely.  But, I had no children of my own and very much wanted to have that experience with him, if we could.  After a lot of thought and discussion, we agreed that we would try.

To my surprise, I had a positive pregnancy test 8 months after we married.  I truly thought that it would take longer, and that I may have to see an infertility specialist (because of my age).  We were thrilled, but a little scared.  I had suffered a miscarriage during my first marriage and I was worried that it could happen to me again.  We kept the pregnancy a secret from most of the people in our lives (including the children) until we knew everything was ok.  I was extremely nervous.

Things were going great until about 9 weeks gestation.  I was on an out-of-town trip for work and I began spotting.  It wasn't much and it wasn't consistent, but I was scared.  When I arrived home, I went to my obstetrican and had an ultrasound.  To my relief, the fetus was the appropriate size and had a good heart beat.  I kicked myself for over-reacting.  Silly, silly girl.  Everything is fine.  The spotting continued off and on for a few weeks, then stopped abruptly.  I was relieved.  Surely this means my pregnancy is progressing well...?  At my next visit with the obstetrician at 11 weeks gestation, they performed another ultrasound.  I knew immediately what I didn't want to believe.  No heart beat.  Our baby was gone.  I looked over at my husband, who didn't realize what was going on, and shook my head.  No.  No baby.  No pregnancy.  No.  Please God, please make this not be true.  Not another loss.  Please.  No.

I couldn't let my emotions out until we arrived home.  My sweet husband put his arms around me and I cried for what seemed like an eternity.  I was scheduled for a D&C (dilation and curretage) the next morning.  When we arrived at the hospital, my preoperative nurse reviewed my chart and kindly reminded me that I had undergone a D&C for my previous pregnancy loss 15 years ago at that same hospital.  Yeah...thanks.  I remember.  Ugh.

One thing I loved about being pregnant, was the absolute joy and hope you experience every day... at least that's how I felt.  I was so grateful and happy to be pregnant.  Once my procedure was over and I was home recovering, I felt so empty.  So sad and empty.  It's hard to understand how that truly feels unless you've had a pregnancy loss.  I tried to pick myself up and get on with my life.  I had a career, husband and three kids that depended on me.  I couldn't crawl in a cave and grieve forever, even though that's what I truly wanted to do.

We had decided, at the time of my D&C, to perform genetic studies on the baby. We were notified a few weeks later that it had been a girl and that she had a genetic disorder called triploidy.  Triploidy is not compatible with life and is not related to the age of a mother.  It's a random, spontaneous occurrence.  A stupid lightening strike.  

This news did give us a little comfort, however.  Our child did not suffer and we, as her parents, did not have a difficult decision placed upon us.  God made that decision for us and took her.  For this, I'm grateful... But I didn't understand why this happened at all. Why us? Why our child?  Not fair.  But, life isn't fair- no one ever promised it would be.  Unfair things happen to good people every day.  Why should we be any different?

My husband and I depended on each other and our faith to get through that tough time.  We were hopeful in the fact that I was able to conceive without help...at the age of 41.  Yay team!  We just assumed it would be a matter of time before we conceived again.  Little did we know.