So...my husband and I decided to go to a new infertility specialist for a second opinion. Although we knew that our former physician was good...we just had a hard time believing that our chances of conceiving on our own were gone. My ob/gyn recommended someone in our community and off we went. I felt good about it initially. The specialist was kind and optimistic at our first visit. On my inital ultrasound I had two follicles! Yay! One was 8 mm and one was 15 mm. Not too shabby! She decided to have me do ovulation predictor kits during my cycle and I was to notify her when I obtained a positive result, which occurred on cycle day 15. Seven days later, she had me come in for a progesterone level. To my surprise, it was very low...indicating that I had not ovulated. I went back to her office the next week for a follow-up ultrasound and lab work. Both follicles were gone and my progesterone was still in the basement. This confirmed that my follicles had both regressed without ovulation. In addition, my FSH and LH were sky high and my estradiol was very low.
Those of you who have been through this yourselves probably know what came next. She very kindly and gently told me that based on my lab work, I am perimenopausal. In fact, my low estradiol level was indicative of actual menopause. We have, at best, a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. Additionally, no pill or injectable medication will help my chances at conception. My only options at this point are donor egg, embryo adoption or normal adoption of a child.
Now, you may think that all of this should not have come as a shock, especially since my last physician gave me the same options....but it truly did. I am a healthy, "young" 42 year-old that had a natural conception last year. I have no symptoms of menopause. I have mild hypothyroidism that is under good control with medication. My mother did not go through menopause until her 50's. I have fairly regular cycles (except the last two have been longer) and I have been getting positive ovulation predictor kits each month at appropriate times. Apparently, my pituitary gland has been trying to stimulate my ovaries to ovulate (hence the positive ovulation predictor kits) but my ovaries just can't close the deal. Ovulation isn't happening even with all of the pituitary pushing. Ugh.
So, is it better to have this information or not? I don't know. Before this, I still had the naive hope that maybe...just maybe...I could still conceive. This would be the month...or the next month...or the next. Although it wasn't enjoyable to go through the roller-coaster ride every cycle, I still had hope. Hope made me smile and still have a dream of a child, although I knew my chances were low. Now I know my chances are just about non-existent. Women that take birth control pills every day have a better chance of conceiving than I do. My hope is gone and isn't going to return. Am I better off knowing the truth of the situation? I don't know. I no longer have to buy ovulation predictor kits and pregnancy tests...no more disappointment every month. But, my hope is gone. How do you live with knowing that you will never have a child of your own?
When I was younger, it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't have children. I had all of the time in the world. When I was 33 and single, a good physician friend of mine encouraged me to have my eggs frozen...just in case I needed them later. I laughed at her and said that it wasn't necessary. Oh, how I wish I had taken her advice. I didn't know then that I wouldn't marry my soulmate until 40. Although I love being a stepmom and love my stepchildren, they aren't mine. They will never be mine. I am never going to have a child of my own. I suppose it could be worse. Infertility isn't a fatal diagnosis. It isn't a disability. I can still have peace, health and happiness in my life. But I will always have a little hole in my heart that can't be filled.
My time just ran out.
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