My sweet husband and I spent our weekend trying to absorb and cope with the bad news we received from our infertility specialist last week. Fortunately, the kids were with their mom…so we had time together as a couple to deal with our feelings. We decided to go to Mass on Sunday in an effort to get out of the house and reconnect with our faith. After we sat down in our pew, we were immediately surrounded by parents with babies and toddlers. As the priest began to read the scripture and I watched the children around us…huge tears began to fall down my face. I couldn’t get the tears to stop, hard as I tried. My husband eventually led me out of the sanctuary.
Infertility itself is a difficult thing to face as a couple. Infertility within a stepfamily…within a couple that has remarried, where one individual has children from a previous relationship and the other does not…is a whole other ball game. If you go online to look for resources to help couples like us….you hear crickets. There’s not much out there. Sure, there’s a lot on infertility itself…you could spend days reading all of the websites, articles, research and blogs. But infertility within a second marriage with stepchildren is not something that is discussed very much in the literature. Believe me…I’ve looked.
A stepfamily, by its own nature, is born from loss- the loss of the initial marriage and family. Every member of that family (parents and children) deal with the consequences of that loss for the rest of their lives. Grief, sadness, anger, resentment, and guilt are present within the fabric of those relationships before the stepparent even comes into the picture. The stepparent has to learn to find his or her way and establish relationships, in spite of all of these feelings going on within the family they are joining.
The new stepparent is, very often, like a uninvited guest to a funeral. You try your best to be kind, caring…but there are still a lot of people at the funeral that wish you weren’t there. Your presence can be seen as “trying to take the place” of a biological parent, as a “home-wrecker” (even if you weren’t around when the divorce took place) or even as an obstacle preventing reconciliation of the initial marriage. A new stepparent has to maneuver around these minefields with understanding, patience, and frankly, a tough skin. There is no way a stepparent can understand or feel the loss of that initial family the way those parents and children do. It’s just not possible. It’s a loss that you cannot truly share.
Infertility within a stepfamily is a similar conundrum. The partner that has children, no matter how much he or she tries, does not have the same investment in conceiving and does not feel the same grief from infertility that is felt by the childless partner. Also, many times the partner with children does not feel the desire to try extraordinary measures to conceive (i.e. egg donor, embryo adoption) and may be hesitant to have a child that is not genetically-connected to one or both partners. The financial impact of pursuing infertility treatments can also cause stress and conflict. These issues can result in a painful impasse…where the couple, no matter how much they love each other, find themselves on different sides of a fence. Losing the possibility of a mutual child together is sad and disappointing for both in the couple, but the childless partner feels that loss in a more profound way. This kind of no-win situation can leave the partner with children feeling frustrated and unsure of what to do…and can leave the childless partner feeling deep grief and isolation. It's a loss that you cannot truly share.
When we arrived home from Mass, I stood in my closet and cried for what felt like an hour. My husband put his arms around me and told me he loved me. There was really nothing else to do. I can't be given younger ovaries. I can't make my blood work more optimistic. It is what it is.
We have to go through the process of grieving as best we can, then move on with our lives.
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